What Once Was

Lost in my grief, my soul searching for that connection…..with him.  
Lost…. in the abyss of broken hearts.
Broken, wrenched and burning to the core, the fire ignites.
Burning what once was… away.

Watching, feeling his heart…… broken,                                                                     
No one can help, as he hardens his heart.
Clenching fists as the blood begins to slow……                                                
Holding each breath, as hope begins to go

The twisting of the valves to the heart, stopping the flow.                               
The body shuts down to feel …….no pain.                                                             
Life rains down around you,  the waters clear.                                           
Washing what once was……away

Beyond my reach now, the soul cries out,
For the man he once knew, had vision and passion for her heart.                
Trust gone, no room to love another…….    
Holding each breathe, as hope begins to go.

I yearn to feel his touch once more, his voice soothing my soul.                    
His smile bringing joy and meaning, to the craziness of this world.            
The land calling my name, sharing, grounding and transforming.     
Clearing what once was…….away.

My wounds kept us bound……of a journey that was to be,                                  
Allowing life to fade….taking the dreams that were meant to be.                
Separate paths is what it seems, once again our timing was not to be.       
Holding each breathe, as hope begins to …….be.

Breathing deeply….. to allow life to flow,                                                                 
Accepting the healing, as life begins to slow,                                                           
Allowing the breeze to blow and the earth to ground                                           
Reviving what once was……Me.

Mind Chatter

The twists and turns in ones life, can internally tear you up, one disappointment after the other, you can put yourself out there, apply for those jobs, reach out to find new clients, contact old friends, volunteer, find yourself in casual affairs and still its one knock back after the other; in one way or another. Life just keeps on throwing those challenges in your face – every time you think you’re heading in a new direction or the right direction, another door slams in your face. Life certainly is not fair at times.

What do you do? Fall down and crumble in yet another setback – that’s exactly what I want to do a this moment in my life. To give up, to go home to the father, to just run away and hide somewhere deep within the forest, never to be found or seen again.

What is the freakin (other words used) point of this bullshit? As you can see i am still at the cross-roads in my life, dealing, barely living and waking up every morning to an existence of freakin ants taking over my home, every minute of the day, they are everywhere, i can feel them crawling over me – I can not handle it anymore. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh……………………………(yes another one of those screaming moments; in my tantrum of defeat).

Healing, releasing, letting go, really what does that even mean…. you can do all of that numerous times in your life – over and over again, all to be repeated months, years or even days again…….. and again, there will always be something to heal from…….. ancestral crap (why couldn’t they deal with their own freakin shit instead of leaving it for us to deal with – don’t we have enough of our own bullshit (and that includes the parents, the ones who don’t want to look at their own burdens, but will gladly interfere in yours)).

The anger left to brew, the music blaring, I must thank him for the introduction to King Diamond, Iron Maiden and the likes, great to have around when the anger is brewing to overflowing. Maybe I should thank him for the heartache, the triggers that became dominate in my everyday living and being that play toy of yes/ no… oh yes please… oh no…. (my torture, of believing in someone and seeing more than what was really there – so thanks for being a huge freakin trigger of past damages, it was a pleasure or not so much)

I found this, and thought it appropriate in so many ways – “Grief doesn’t show; there is no excruciating physical pain that twists and turns your body, no visible wounds or scars, no blood tests that can testify that there is a monster living inside you and the torture is real.” – Poona Priyamvada

Each time we get hurt, let down, lose someone (either through death, or them leaving), losing yourself (those fragmented parts of your soul, that haven’t been recovered) or just general disappointments in life. We go through a period of grief at different levels. The grief, the pain is so very real for each individual, those on the outside don’t usually see it. So we go through our own torture chamber of the mind, creating so many different ways of making our life difficult, torture – the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on ourself as a form of punishment.

Those old belief patterns and things we were taught as we grew up… drummed into our minds, cells and our body, tormenting our everyday lives, creating havoc to the world around us. Every situation we come into there is a crazy mind moment of self loathing, self sabotage building a huge gigantic bridge between our life as we live to the life we desire. People might tell you change your thoughts (yeah right… like that’s going to happen right now..)

So tell me… why even bother in this world, in this life, with the people around you or even those you meet. Most of the time they just re-enforce that they really are not worth a moment of your time, however we still tend to go back for more. Why????????? Some warped desire to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved – no one can love you the way you can love yourself.

So whats next?> I have NO FREAKIN idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I just keep waking up every morning hoping that one day soon life will show me something more.. something worth being here for.

Innocence’s of a Child

In 2014 I did a lot of healing around sexual abuse…. so today I am sharing one of my poems with you all: Innocence’s of a Child 

Innocence’s of a Child
Tucked in, snuggled into my blankets
Innocence’s of a child – snatched away in one fleeting moment
Reading, read the book, he said, it’ll be OK
Shhhh…….quiet now, it’s our little secret……………do not tell!!!
Scared, frightened, all alone, what is happening?
Innocence’s of a child

Anger, resentment, fear, guilt, all bottled up, no way to express
No one to speak too; must keep quiet, someone may get hurt
The pleasure, the pain, bad girl, bad, bad girl
What did I do, why is he doing this?
Just keep reading…..it’s OK
As he slips his hand beneath the blanket

Life changed, closed, broken, lost, no understanding
Mum, Dad where are you?……….Help Me!!
Why did you let this happen?
I became a different child, did you not notice!!!
Where were you, when I needed you?
Save me……Make him stop!!!!!

Hide…………I must hide, there is no help
Shut the door, under the bed, let nobody in …….must hide
He can’t find me then, I want to feel safe
Shut down……………Feel nothing
Innocence’s snatched so young
Thank you Uncle

Years of locked emotions, no communication…..
Only fear, anger, guilt, shame and hurt
Guilty of feeling pleasure, its OK…….no its not right
Shut it off……..feel no more
Tears, so many tears, unable to release them
All alone, no one to help me

I’m a scared child, hiding in a corner, cowering
I believed I’d be safe, only I wasn’t
Lost……my childhood
Growing, remaining that lost child, hiding in a corner
What am I feeling? What am I allowed to feel?
Broken, shattered spirit

I never remembered being abused growing up, I knew something wasn’t right, I was that scared little girl, hiding in the corner of my existence – to scared to allow people to see me. I would hide behind oversized clothing, and only spoke when I needed to. Not having a voice, but cowering at any sign of confrontation. Boyfriends – that’s another story; however it effected the way I interacted with both male and females alike – I had no trust in anyone.

It wasn’t until I was married, that the memories were triggered, I’m not sure whether it was something he did or said. They came rushing back, so vivid and real – he blamed these memories for our problems, only the problems we had were there from day 1 of meeting(that story is for another day).

So I struggled through life – keeping all of this to myself. It was in my 30’s where I began going to a psychologist… and through those sessions I was able to write and begin to express what I was feeling inside. Its not to say that I didn’t struggle after these sessions because I did. There are a lot of years of repressed emotions, belief patterns and so much more to deal with than just releasing those emotions. Blame, unforgiveness, fear, shame and other emotional traumatic situations, that just kept adding to the stack of bricks building my wall higher and higher (so many different situations there I could talk about, another time perhaps).

When I wrote this poem, it was one of the hardest things I chose to do. I had to relive the experience, remember the details as best I could; to be able to release as much as I could. Only there are still some things I do not remember. This may be by choose, or is my subconscious protecting me from something bigger, a reality that I may not be able to cope with?

I am hoping that by me sharing my experience, it will encourage others to seek out help and to begin there own healing process.

My Truth of My Reality

Reading though my journal this morning…. I realized just how much I had allowed someone to take over my thoughts, my life, my decisions and dictate the direction in which I go (not physically, it was all in my mind; I created something that wasn’t real) . I wasn’t seeing it, I was choosing to ignore what my soul was already trying to tell me , I wanted to be accepted by this person in any way possible (that included me waiting around for him to be ready or having those sexual encounters with him). Only I don’t believe he’ll ever be ready – I was connected on a soul level, yet this person was not. The soul wrenching emotion of never knowing that deep connection with someone on the same soul level. Always one sided….. been pushed away, then pulled back in; to only feel that soul been ripped apart all over again. The falsity, the delusion within my mind, created months worth of heartache, disappointment, and delays within my own growth, my own movement forward. Waiting, hoping, expecting; listening to the opinions of those around me – “I see you here”, just wait don’t give up just yet, things will change – yes maybe things will change and he’ll heal enough to except someone else into his life, but me waiting – to what extent of damage done to my very own heart, soul and journey forward?

There is nothing I can do to help him release the hurt from past relationships, or the burdens he’s left to carry. I am not responsible for his feelings or his life, I am only responsible for my own emotions, responses and my life. It’s been a hard journey and one hard lesson to learn – and I kept going back over and over again. I was willing to be there for this man, to love him for who he is and where he was at, encouraging his journey forward, no matter what challenges may have come up. I would have been his rock, his shoulder to lean on and his partner – side by side, I wasn’t looking for a knight in shining armor, or someone to save me, but someone to walk beside me to share our lives journey; whatever it may have been or wherever it may had lead us to.

Over the last 4 months I have felt so many different emotions: anger (huge and very dominate in this journey), rejection (he became a trigger for past relationships and experiences), fear (so many things I fear- being alone, never been truly loved in this life time, never being able to love another on that deep soul connection, all before my time is up on this earth plain, just to name a few… haha – I know some of you can relate to this), hatred for myself, self-loathing, hated everything and everyone around me at some point, no longer wishing to be a part of this world – begging to be taken home.

You see it wasn’t just about him, he was a trigger in my life, bringing up past events and experiences, that I either hadn’t dealt with or had only touched the surface. My Grandfather dying when I was young – I felt he was my only source of love and connection; so once he was gone I had nobody (my parents were there, only the connection didn’t seem to be), being sexually abused by an uncle – trust not, stay hidden, keep those secrets, don’t speak of this, sexual desires and needs never been met throughout my adult relationships, then that brings me to past sexual relationships – the failures, the dysfunction, bad choices, a doormat, control, manipulation, abuse, and of course low to no self worth, self confidence or self-love. So it has been a rather challenging journey, one that I am still healing from and still discovering who I am, what I like, what I want, setting new goals and plans for my future (one I am still unable to currently see).

Feelings of having absolutely nothing, moving – friends and clients are all 3hours north- so no business (have to start all over again), my belongings – I have given almost everything away, no clients = financial struggle and the belief of not being able to get back on my feet – to move forward. Where do I go from here? Rebuild my businesses, look for work elsewhere or flounder in the worlds between reality and spiritual. It is so much nicer on the other plain, I don’t have to look at the reality of this world around me and its flaws, its destruction, its hurt, its pain, the manipulation and the downfall of mankind as we know it.

However, I will continue to wake each morning, setting myself daily goals until I can see my big picture, my plan, my journey and that one place to plant my feet, my grounding, my own place of happiness, joy and self-love. Attempting to live each day in the moment, releasing and healing the past, creating my masterpiece: ‘ME’.

Photo by Inzmam Khan on Pexels.com

The Journey Begins

Wow… I’m finally here, and ….I’m ready to start my Blog.

My blog will be about my journey in this life, the challenges, the laughter, the broken moments, the rising, the joy, the healing processes, the ‘SCREAMING’ (from within, where no one can hear you), my relationships, my family & friends (names changed of course to protect those around me), my moments of utter despair, my lowest points, the new experiences, the traveling, my crazy mind (what we tell ourselves, the untruths that we chose to believe that create havoc in our lives) and how I moved past some of the darkest moments of my existence. There will be present moments and moments of re-visiting the past, wherever I am guided to go… I will go.

I will write and share my experiences with an open-heart and allow myself to participate in an honesty like never before (those moments; where you don’t want to admit to yourself, or to see the truth that is so SLAP BANG in your face…. that you could stumble over it) .

But… as I journey through I will always be like that PHOENIX, rising from the ashes of my past, spreading my wings and taking flight over and over again, taking every lesson and learning experiences to reach a higher level of ‘ME’, a direction towards self-care, self-love and nurturing that little child within.