In 2014 I did a lot of healing around sexual abuse…. so today I am sharing one of my poems with you all: Innocence’s of a Child
Innocence’s of a Child
Tucked in, snuggled into my blankets
Innocence’s of a child – snatched away in one fleeting moment
Reading, read the book, he said, it’ll be OK
Shhhh…….quiet now, it’s our little secret……………do not tell!!!
Scared, frightened, all alone, what is happening?
Innocence’s of a child
Anger, resentment, fear, guilt, all bottled up, no way to express
No one to speak too; must keep quiet, someone may get hurt
The pleasure, the pain, bad girl, bad, bad girl
What did I do, why is he doing this?
Just keep reading…..it’s OK
As he slips his hand beneath the blanket
Life changed, closed, broken, lost, no understanding
Mum, Dad where are you?……….Help Me!!
Why did you let this happen?
I became a different child, did you not notice!!!
Where were you, when I needed you?
Save me……Make him stop!!!!!
Hide…………I must hide, there is no help
Shut the door, under the bed, let nobody in …….must hide
He can’t find me then, I want to feel safe
Shut down……………Feel nothing
Innocence’s snatched so young
Thank you Uncle
Years of locked emotions, no communication…..
Only fear, anger, guilt, shame and hurt
Guilty of feeling pleasure, its OK…….no its not right
Shut it off……..feel no more
Tears, so many tears, unable to release them
All alone, no one to help me
I’m a scared child, hiding in a corner, cowering
I believed I’d be safe, only I wasn’t
Growing, remaining that lost child, hiding in a corner
What am I feeling? What am I allowed to feel?
Broken, shattered spirit
I never remembered being abused growing up, I knew something wasn’t right, I was that scared little girl, hiding in the corner of my existence – to scared to allow people to see me. I would hide behind oversized clothing, and only spoke when I needed to. Not having a voice, but cowering at any sign of confrontation. Boyfriends – that’s another story; however it effected the way I interacted with both male and females alike – I had no trust in anyone.
It wasn’t until I was married, that the memories were triggered, I’m not sure whether it was something he did or said. They came rushing back, so vivid and real – he blamed these memories for our problems, only the problems we had were there from day 1 of meeting(that story is for another day).
So I struggled through life – keeping all of this to myself. It was in my 30’s where I began going to a psychologist… and through those sessions I was able to write and begin to express what I was feeling inside. Its not to say that I didn’t struggle after these sessions because I did. There are a lot of years of repressed emotions, belief patterns and so much more to deal with than just releasing those emotions. Blame, unforgiveness, fear, shame and other emotional traumatic situations, that just kept adding to the stack of bricks building my wall higher and higher (so many different situations there I could talk about, another time perhaps).
When I wrote this poem, it was one of the hardest things I chose to do. I had to relive the experience, remember the details as best I could; to be able to release as much as I could. Only there are still some things I do not remember. This may be by choose, or is my subconscious protecting me from something bigger, a reality that I may not be able to cope with?
I am hoping that by me sharing my experience, it will encourage others to seek out help and to begin there own healing process.