The Teasing Sun

It’s been just over two weeks and Victoria has not been that kind to me weather wise, the sun slips out from behind those clouds for the shortest of moments, teasing, reminding me of what I left behind, challenging me, giving me the choose, tempting me…… to give up and move back to Queensland; the Sunshine State. Oh… How I miss the Sunshine!

I’m emotional; it seems all the time, I can be walking to the bus crying, moving between activities with tears in my eyes – as I’m missing all things that were once familiar to me, location (Sunny Coast, the beaches, the hinterland) (even now as I write this, there are tears running down my face)friends, job, and even my customers. I’m frustrated to say the least, lost and scared of failing, fearful that I have made the wrong choice. Tired – locking myself away on my days off; isolating myself which I tend to do very well.

So many people are just waiting for me to fail, wanting to see me give up and admit that I made the wrong choice. Disheartened – putting expectations on anything, will do that too you. Living in the moment prevents this… which is hard when all of your focus is on what’s not happening.

Am I feeling sorry for myself – absolutely?  Focusing on what I don’t have or am missing is the focus of this week – the process of moving forward – challenging. Death of my past… grieving for my loss, finding, discovering who I am without it and I don’t think I’m doing such a great job of that (or maybe I’m just being too hard on myself as I often am).

My job – it’s still undecided whether I actually enjoy it or not, you see the people I work with are waiting for me to fail, to give up, telling me that I won’t be here for long; as I’m the wrong type (whatever that is supposed to mean, I’m not sure) I’m struggling just to find my feet in this position, my voice…my confidence, my belief in myself. It feels like so much is stacked up against me. A big part of me is ready to give up. Tears just keep on coming; I want something familiar around me. I have some of my belongings, mostly still packed as I don’t have the space to put it.

And to top it all off…..one of my work colleagues decided he’d go for it and give me a kiss (not just once kept coming back for more)- WTF! Like I’m not confused enough and have all of the other shit floating around in my crazy thoughts and now this…. It’s one of those moments of screaming from deep within where no one but you knows that you are screaming; closed off to feeling anything other than the craziness of my mind.

Boundaries

Here is a blog that I started some … 2-3 months ago, so I decided that it was time to complete it, as life continues to move forward; with family on the occasion still choosing to interfere in my life. FAMILY… ohhhhhh!

It’s a beautiful sun shiny day outside… and i was inside walking around in my underwear, (as you do when you think no one is looking) i had no need to get dressed, as i wasn’t planning on going anywhere or expecting any visitors.. so here i am strolling around the house without a care when a freaking car pulls up in my driveway.. damn! My bloody father is here…. Look i know its his place and all; however a little freaking respect would be nice. A phone call to say you’re coming over with family in tow. I like my privacy and if i want to walk around the house or property in my underwear i should be able to. So he pulls up and I’m running around the freaking house like a idiot looking for a pair of shorts to throw on.

Disappointment… big time as I was looking forward to a day without people in my energy. Just me and mother nature -my bird friends and the the wind blowing through the house, cooling down the already warm day.

I’m in pain, feel tired and restricted by my own freaking mind craziness of what the freaking hell am i going to do today. So here i am writing, not sure what I’m going to write about.

Looks LIKE ITS ABOUT BOUNDARIES…….And how my family lack in showing me some respect. Dad just turns up whenever he feels like and Mum doesn’t know when to back the freak off – you don’t phone my friends to see where I am or how I’m doing, if i wanted you to know i would contact you, talk to you or even tell you. You jeopardized my friendship and put them in an awkward position.. how dare you do that, sort your own freaking life out would you and leave mine along. You have no right to interfere.


Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.”

Wikipedia

Yes its all good to have those boundaries in place, however if you do not actually let people know what your boundaries are, it will cause you stress or some other problem. So speak up and allow others to know just what your boundaries are, and eliminate the extra stress that did not need to happen… And setting those boundaries is a great way of to care for yourself, it doesn’t make you mean, selfish or uncaring, its about whats right for you in your life… So ask yourself:

  • What is right for you?
  • What values do you have?
  • Do you lack boundaries in your life? Why?
    • Loss of self, always allowed others to dictate your life goals
  • What would you like to change today in your life?
  • What boundaries do you wish to set for a better self care?

Boundaries are healthy, normal and necessary. Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your garden.

My Aching Soul

My mind is going 100 miles an hour, my heart is aching for someone I cannot have, my soul is screaming for that soul connection and…… it won’t be happening anytime soon. I have to let him go.

I’m 47 years old and I have never experienced that soul connection in a partner, so when i did, it was very overwhelming. It triggered all sorts of past traumas, abuse, hurts, rejections and so much more about myself than I could ever have imagined.

This particular man I have know since I was 9, only the soul connection was not recognised by as throughout our life. We have reached out a few times, trying to connect, only one or the other was not ready and it seems the same for now. The only difference is the soul connection was acknowledged (by me at least, I cannot speak for him), and we moved forward with a casual relationship of sorts.

This beautiful soul was hurt on many levels (and I so want to wrap him up, love him, help heal those hurts, only I cannot) through relationships and traumatic events (as most of as are). He needs time to heal those wounds and to let go of someone he believed was to be his life partner – (this doesn’t leave much space for another to enter into his life; in this moment in time).

So that brings me to my healing journey of……’letting him go’. It has been painful to say the least, I would be pulled back in (it didn’t take much, he fished and I took the bait – hook, line and sinker every time) only to be pushed away over and over again. Through his confusion and what I assume mixed emotions, I was walking away hurt, confused, and grieving for my soul. A piece of me left behind every time. I have never experienced grieving at a soul level before, wow – i didn’t know what was going on. The pain, the ache of losing him over and over again, my soul – screaming…….. out to his soul. Only there was never any answer.

Realizing and acknowledging (I knew, only I didn’t want to acknowledge it, for I had being feeling that my soul partner was getting closer for awhile and finding him, I didn’t want to let him go) that his heart belongs to someone else …………….and that I would be back to my own journey; of just me, again. I do me rather well….. on most days. It would be nice to actually share the rest of my journey with that someone special. Not meant to be just yet.

It is devastating to the soul, mind, heart and spirit. Healing on many different levels, through the self blame, hate, anger, resentment and every other emotion you could think off, it was there in some form or another. Functioning daily became difficult, soul wrenching, (I now understand when they say ‘I’ve had my soul ripped apart’ – for it truly is) crippling and trying to put on that happy, joyful smile – fake to the core. I was not just dealing with that soul connection but with every other trauma that was triggered through that connection. My grandfather dying, sexual abuse, every relationship I’ve had, being caught in the flood, every surgery and everything else in between. My life was being taken back to next to nothing. Moving away from my friends and support system, my clients, my business, everything gone. I gave away most of my possessions. Nothing left… I moved to somewhere I never wanted to return to … South. Re-birthing me …. new.

Nothing seemed to work for me… creating, catching up with family or friends, having new experiences, study, anything I could think of; to not think about him or the pain of everything else. Crippled by emotion, the loud chatter within the mind, the self-loathing, hatred of all that was around me, ooh… the anger that poured from my heart and soul – running to release the pain, drinking to forget, pushing those away – isolating myself from the world that tormented me daily; a reminder of all the pain that’s been dug deep down inside from an early age of 4(or possibly before I was even born- rejection in the womb), I just kept stacking it up, hiding it away from those closest to me – (no trust in anyone) and from myself.

The constant flow of tears, morning, day and night from deep within – what is left of my soul, the fragmented soul – frightened away, straying, lost, or stolen – a part of a our vital essence separates from us in order to survive the trauma throughout our life. Feeling disconnected, incomplete, numb, those out-of-body moments, dead inside, sleepwalking through life, this has been my life for such a long time, so the battle to let go of it all, is hard. Those old beliefs, things taught, everything has to be re-learned. Creating a new way of life, a new way of coping, a new way of doing everything, a new way of ME.

SO that has lead me to a couple of books that have and are still helping me through this healing journey:

  • ‘The Artist’s Way ‘ by Julia Cameron, a course in discovering and recovering your creative self
  • Soul Retrieval’ by Sandra Ingerman, it is about Mending the Fragmented Self, finding and retrieving your fragmented soul.

I  have:

  • listened to music – angry, calming, dancing, and everything else in between, whatever my mood and emotion for that day; dedicated to the genre I listened to
  • screamed out for help, to anyone – my spirit guides, angels, ascended masters, healers and God himself
  • cried….. grieved and cried lots more
  • attempted to create once again – doodling, painting anything, journalling and finally I discovered blogging
  • explored local towns, looking for that one place to find peace, peace for my soul
  • danced around the house
  • beat myself up mentally, forget to eat, scream internally till it felt like my mind was going to explode (I don’t recommend this – write it out or actually scream)
  • walked, run and settled on body groove
  • drinking silly amounts of alcohol (doesn’t help in the long term, the problems are still there the next day)
  • cried lots and then some more……..
  • gardening for the grounding
  • isolating myself, from the energies that others shared (didn’t need their shit on top of my own)
  • took myself to the salt room and for a massage
  • soaked in the bath
  • water… be near or in water and around nature constantly, mother earth grounding and sharing her divine unconditional love with me
  • opened my heart to allow that one or two friends in, receiving healings and a clearing of the chakra and aura (this is what actually cleared the clatter from my mind, so I was able to see the hope in what was to come next for me)
  • there are probably plenty of other things I did also

Find that something that you can connect with, that something that works for you. Crying will happen even when you don’t want it too, allow it to flow, its a great release on every part of your body. It becomes about your own self care…… look after you, you should be your you number 1. Do what feels right for you, do those things that make you happy, that make your heart sing. It is all about YOU!

So how am I letting him go? By healing me, allowing all of the pain to be released in whatever manner in can (As above), finding those connections within myself, discovering what i like, what i want, it all becomes about me and my own self care, how I look after me, my self-worth, regaining my strength and my own inner Goddess Power. And if we are meant to be as one…. we will find each other again one day (letting go… is exactly that ‘LET HIM GO’, do not hold onto the hope of maybe one day). The healing process takes time, it will not happen over night, months and sometimes years, but by just taking that one step each day you will find your own path to healing the hurts deep within your own soul. No body else can take this journey with you or for you. It has to be all you.

I will continue to share my soul retrieval journey with you in other blogs. If anyone has any question contact me. Love Rachel xx

This beautiful painting was created by Katrina Croton