To Write My Truth

When I began blogging I wanted to write my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered, uncensored. It was going to be my way of releasing those thoughts I could not verbally speak, the crazy dramatic thoughts the mind creates, the self-moralizing thoughts we all tend to have at one time or another. I wanted to share my adventures, my journey to a new beginning, new discoveries – not only about my new surroundings but the changes within me. To hopefully encourage someone else out there who themselves were struggling, only somewhere along the way I had forgotten this, doubt poured through my body and I stopped believing in me.

There were a couple of blogs where I wrote my truth, my experiences in a situation with someone I had met, ( I found myself filtering what I was writing knowing there was a possibility he may read it). Even with me filtering my thoughts, he made life difficult (as we worked together), making inappropriate comments and gestures while at work (and he was trying to convince me to go out with him…Hahaha that will win me over for sure..NOT). If I had not known the emotional trauma behind his behaviour I could have chosen to have him up on sexual harassment in the workplace. But I was trying to be that martyr and help him, only his true colours eventually started showing up in other areas within the work place and he was asked to leave.

Through this situation, I kept finding myself as that little child, scared and broken hiding in the corner of my darkness, wanting someone to save me, the fear of being left behind, not loved or wanted. This man kept telling me he only wanted to look after me, with his words and bullying I became someone I no longer recognised, I allowed his words to become doubt within my mind, a part of me wanted to give in to those words, to have someone look after me. I felt tired of the struggle, of the barriers I’d put up around me, only letting people part way in, my fear stronger in those moments… not opening myself up to be loved, not trusting those who choose to.

Through this experience I realised and acknowledged that perhaps there were …things  still within my shadows, lurking about waiting to come forth for me to …..”Let go”, so here I am participating in one of my intentions of writing my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered and uncensored.

There may be still a little way for me to get completely to that point again, but I’m choosing to begin here, today.

The Update

I can’t believe it’s been two months (another Blog written in July) already and what an interesting time it has been. A few challenges along the way with work and my personal …emotional state, of dealing with each situation as they came up.

  1. That uninvited kiss – well he continued to push, he wanted me to be reliant on him, stating that he only wanted to look after me. Only his behaviour and words triggered things within me to the point where I didn’t like who I was – doubting myself, allowing my confidence to waiver. He wanted to control ……That’s not what I wanted or needed; another control freak. He is not currently in my life anymore and that is such a relief. I am able to go about my job without being sexually harassed. He was a broken man, not willing to look at himself or take responsibility for anything.
  2. Stalker – an interim order is in place and last I heard he announced to everyone that he was moving to Melbourne to be with me- he flew down a week or two ago. Haven’t heard as to his whereabouts. He is currently on ice in my freezer.

Work – challenges from day to day

My job is to call a code when something happens and assistance is required immediately. Well on this particular day, I had no ear piece and the officer with me was too busy talking to me with his back to the threat. I politely informed him he needed to attend the conflict happening behind him and knowing there were two other officers outside the door… I took off running to inform them. Only on camera it looks like I’m fleeing the situation all together. The code was called and assistance was there in moments to deal with the situation at hand.

How things can be misinterpreted… especially when you don’t see the whole picture.  So I was known as the girl who runs …. Just what I needed, however it was soon forgotten as the next situation became more interesting to talk about.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Being Stalked

It seems you have to be careful who you talk to these days…. When I started doing volunteer work in February I spoke to everyone there, whether employed, volunteered or the clients that walked through the door… I was friendly to everyone. I didn’t treat anyone any different to the other.

Unfortunately one man in particular took my friendliness as a doorway to a make believe relationship. He would turn up at my job, make comments to other employees, that he’d had his fix for the day… meaning he had either seen or spoken with me. Things got a little weird as the months went on… he always seemed to know where I was at any given day.

So moving to Victoria… two states away, I thought that it was the last I’d heard from him. Sad to say it wasn’t, he’s been harassing my family and friends, he seems to have escalated… asking anyone and everyone I know about me, how to contact me, wanting them to pass on messages; even sending flowers to a government department hoping to locate me.

So the warning bells are ringing extremely loud at the moment, as I do not know what he’ll do next. My family and friends are all aware of the situation and are taking precautions, blocking him on Facebook as he tries to add them as friends, refusing to give any details or information about me.

I’m hoping that he will move on with his own life and leave me to mine, I wish him all the best and hope that he finds that someone special to share the rest of his life with.

A week later…….

Well hopeful thinking hasn’t worked to my advantage: it doesn’t look like he’s moving on anytime soon as he has now informed his current workplace that he has a job in Melbourne and will be moving shortly. I think I turned white when reading the message from a friend, informing me of this current change. And the fear sank into the depths of my bones, not sure as to what to do or how to proceed with this situation, so I am reaching out to the local police station this weekend for some advice and praying to all of the Gods available that this guy will just go away. Letting me live my life in peace!