To Write My Truth

When I began blogging I wanted to write my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered, uncensored. It was going to be my way of releasing those thoughts I could not verbally speak, the crazy dramatic thoughts the mind creates, the self-moralizing thoughts we all tend to have at one time or another. I wanted to share my adventures, my journey to a new beginning, new discoveries – not only about my new surroundings but the changes within me. To hopefully encourage someone else out there who themselves were struggling, only somewhere along the way I had forgotten this, doubt poured through my body and I stopped believing in me.

There were a couple of blogs where I wrote my truth, my experiences in a situation with someone I had met, ( I found myself filtering what I was writing knowing there was a possibility he may read it). Even with me filtering my thoughts, he made life difficult (as we worked together), making inappropriate comments and gestures while at work (and he was trying to convince me to go out with him…Hahaha that will win me over for sure..NOT). If I had not known the emotional trauma behind his behaviour I could have chosen to have him up on sexual harassment in the workplace. But I was trying to be that martyr and help him, only his true colours eventually started showing up in other areas within the work place and he was asked to leave.

Through this situation, I kept finding myself as that little child, scared and broken hiding in the corner of my darkness, wanting someone to save me, the fear of being left behind, not loved or wanted. This man kept telling me he only wanted to look after me, with his words and bullying I became someone I no longer recognised, I allowed his words to become doubt within my mind, a part of me wanted to give in to those words, to have someone look after me. I felt tired of the struggle, of the barriers I’d put up around me, only letting people part way in, my fear stronger in those moments… not opening myself up to be loved, not trusting those who choose to.

Through this experience I realised and acknowledged that perhaps there were …things  still within my shadows, lurking about waiting to come forth for me to …..”Let go”, so here I am participating in one of my intentions of writing my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered and uncensored.

There may be still a little way for me to get completely to that point again, but I’m choosing to begin here, today.

Mind Chatter

The twists and turns in ones life, can internally tear you up, one disappointment after the other, you can put yourself out there, apply for those jobs, reach out to find new clients, contact old friends, volunteer, find yourself in casual affairs and still its one knock back after the other; in one way or another. Life just keeps on throwing those challenges in your face – every time you think you’re heading in a new direction or the right direction, another door slams in your face. Life certainly is not fair at times.

What do you do? Fall down and crumble in yet another setback – that’s exactly what I want to do a this moment in my life. To give up, to go home to the father, to just run away and hide somewhere deep within the forest, never to be found or seen again.

What is the freakin (other words used) point of this bullshit? As you can see i am still at the cross-roads in my life, dealing, barely living and waking up every morning to an existence of freakin ants taking over my home, every minute of the day, they are everywhere, i can feel them crawling over me – I can not handle it anymore. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh……………………………(yes another one of those screaming moments; in my tantrum of defeat).

Healing, releasing, letting go, really what does that even mean…. you can do all of that numerous times in your life – over and over again, all to be repeated months, years or even days again…….. and again, there will always be something to heal from…….. ancestral crap (why couldn’t they deal with their own freakin shit instead of leaving it for us to deal with – don’t we have enough of our own bullshit (and that includes the parents, the ones who don’t want to look at their own burdens, but will gladly interfere in yours)).

The anger left to brew, the music blaring, I must thank him for the introduction to King Diamond, Iron Maiden and the likes, great to have around when the anger is brewing to overflowing. Maybe I should thank him for the heartache, the triggers that became dominate in my everyday living and being that play toy of yes/ no… oh yes please… oh no…. (my torture, of believing in someone and seeing more than what was really there – so thanks for being a huge freakin trigger of past damages, it was a pleasure or not so much)

I found this, and thought it appropriate in so many ways – “Grief doesn’t show; there is no excruciating physical pain that twists and turns your body, no visible wounds or scars, no blood tests that can testify that there is a monster living inside you and the torture is real.” – Poona Priyamvada

Each time we get hurt, let down, lose someone (either through death, or them leaving), losing yourself (those fragmented parts of your soul, that haven’t been recovered) or just general disappointments in life. We go through a period of grief at different levels. The grief, the pain is so very real for each individual, those on the outside don’t usually see it. So we go through our own torture chamber of the mind, creating so many different ways of making our life difficult, torture – the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on ourself as a form of punishment.

Those old belief patterns and things we were taught as we grew up… drummed into our minds, cells and our body, tormenting our everyday lives, creating havoc to the world around us. Every situation we come into there is a crazy mind moment of self loathing, self sabotage building a huge gigantic bridge between our life as we live to the life we desire. People might tell you change your thoughts (yeah right… like that’s going to happen right now..)

So tell me… why even bother in this world, in this life, with the people around you or even those you meet. Most of the time they just re-enforce that they really are not worth a moment of your time, however we still tend to go back for more. Why????????? Some warped desire to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved – no one can love you the way you can love yourself.

So whats next?> I have NO FREAKIN idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I just keep waking up every morning hoping that one day soon life will show me something more.. something worth being here for.