I Chose ME

Last weekend…… I chose ME!

I chose to not answer my phone, read any text messages or listen to the voices in my head.

Instead I chose to write two blogs (where I realised that I had been allowing someone I had recently met dictate my behaviour and how I saw myself), meditated and did some exploring around Melbourne.

Now let’s dissect that last sentence:

The two blogs:

Before writing them I had been left feeling confused, unsure as to what I was doing, and I started to believe that maybe, just maybe I did need a man around me in my life, to have that someone who wanted to look after me, to want to help me. I know he had only good intentions at heart when he said; ’he only wanted to look after me’. However the implications for ………MYSELF were momentous. I returned back to being that sacred little girl, who feared life in general, who always wanted someone to look after her, only to be left disappointed and heartbroken every time. I struggled with this inner conflict of what once was and who I wanted and choose to become – each contradicted the other, hence the turmoil within my heart. I became; this women that no longer believed in the choices she had recently made, her self-confidence began to wavier, her thoughts turning to the negative, she was once again that little girl who cried out for touch, for love, for connection. I didn’t like who I was when with this beautiful soul – that little girl who couldn’t help herself. His actions triggered a negative pattern/ behaviour within me, closing myself off to the outside world, hiding in a corner as I did as a child, protecting myself from the world that I only saw as dangerous and something to fear.

At that moment of realisation, I chose ME! I had moved to Melbourne for me, so I could discover who I wanted to be, (not to fall back into old habits) who did I choose to be! And the only way I know how to do this – is to be on my own, sharing moments with new friends, experiencing and exploring Melbourne. Everything about Melbourne screams at me to find all of those hidden unique locations, those places that leave a special memory, that touch your heart, to allow your own inner freedom to expand to overflowing where your put your total trust in the universe. Freedom! The excitement of discovering what you like, of experiencing that something new, and being able to just take your time to discover the new …….YOU!

Allowing myself to be vulnerable in those moments is part of the excitement. Finding what makes my own  Inner Child happy,  to bring out the playfulness, the childlike qualities, seeing the eyes open wide, the smile on her face and the excitement play forth as she jumps up and down with glee, with wonder. As everything is new and fresh, yet to be discovered or experienced. Empowering myself to be in the now – the very moment of experiencing every second and every connection with the world around me; using all of my senses to get the full experience of each delicious moment. Closing your eyes and allowing your senses to take over to the sounds, tastes, smells, sensations and sights.

Exploring Melbourne:

I did exactly that as I took myself to West Melbourne for the day. I started at Queen Victoria Markets where I enjoyed the sounds of music…street music. The aromas of different foods as fragrances drifted with the wind, the tastes of Malaysia as stopped and enjoyed lunch, watched the many cultures wander past, sounds of people talking in an array of languages, the beauty of colours, the graffiti, the buildings – the height and reflection of the sun as the colours radiate around me. There was so much beauty; only to be missed by so many others, who are too busy to notice the little things. My senses were going wild taking in all of the new, all that was around me, the excitement building as I realised I had only just begun to explore Melbourne.

Next I strolled around Flagstaff Gardens, enjoying the silence of nature, watching the tall, strong ancient wisdom of the trees, as the assortment of coloured leaves -yellow, orange, brown and red lay on the ground, the dog running around its owner, the coolness of the breeze as it blew through my hair and on my face, crisp and fresh. Taking those deep breathes, breathing in the new air and releasing the old stale burdens of the week. Refreshing, renewing and giving me the strength I needed to be me. Grounding, strengthening, was connecting me back to what I know – the universal energy of love.

As I made my way back towards the train station I noticed The Hellenic Museum (formerly known as the Royal Mint Building) was open with its latest exhibit from the Benaki Museum, Athens, this included the following exhibits:

  • Sam Jinks – the Messenger ( an amazing sculpture inspired by the Greek Goddess Iris)
  • Omeirio (photographic  collection inspiring discussion, it captures the way in which our history, culture and art shape the way in which we view ourselves)
  • Beyond Attica: Art of Magna Graecia (a collection of vases from Athenian – a rich collection of pottery techniques and styles of decoration used in Ancient Greek)
  • Gods, Myths & Mortals (Greek Treasures across the Millennia, celebrating the continuity and transformation which shaped the Greek World)
  • Cast Ancient Greek Statues (Classical Cast Replicas of Aphrodite, Zeus , Hermes and infant Dionysos)
  • Cypriot Pottery (of the bronze and iron ages)

Each exhibit in itself was amazing, giving you a picture of what it would have been like, the quality of each piece telling its own story. I found the Messenger spoke to me the most – there was just something about the reflection of the piece that sent shivers through my body, reminding me that I am being looked after no matter where I go or what I am doing – and that our very own reflection is what we see in other people, those ones that trigger certain things within you.

Inspiration would be the word I’d choose to expression my day, as a peace settles over me on my journey back home. Where will my exploring take me next?

A New Journey for Me

What a journey it has been over the last couple of weeks. As you may recall I flew to Melbourne last month for a second job interview……. Well…… ‘I GOT THE JOB’, so now; there’s a new journey that begins.

I delayed telling my family, as I wanted to soak up the positive feelings and allow myself to acknowledge the huge change about to take place, the accomplishment and impact of this move. HUGE! I’m moving to Melbourne……. Excited to say the least; a little hesitant, overwhelmed by the enormity of this move and just how it will effect my life. One I have been searching, believing and hoping for; for a very long time. It’s finally here and it’s up to me to follow through and live a life I’ve always desired to have. I can be a new version of me.

I am moving forward into a new adventure, a new creation of me. I am so looking forward to this new beginning. It has been a somewhat ….. smooth transition for me, no freaking out, and no second guessing, keeping my mind focused on the NOW and not too far into the future. Focusing on what has to be done now… I’m still at BP for a couple more days – training my replacement (my brother), packing and repacking, removing the old – preparing for the new. I am leaving here with very little belongings – I decided it was time for a fresh start, no longer in need to carry around with me any baggage from the past. I have allowed myself to release the luggage I’ve been carrying around with me for some 40 years. My belongings now fit into the boot of a car. This in itself was an accomplishment, one I’m not quite sure how I achieved, however it feels fantastic.

I’ve been looking for a transfer car to travel in, as my $200 car won’t make the trip (another of my assets going), it’s been hard to know who to trust on the web, and the hidden costs they don’t tell you up front and so on. I am determined to have my travel buddy booked by the end of the day(a vehicle booked and waiting for confirmation, unfortunately it was not the van Ii had hoped for but a sedan; guess I’m sleeping on the back seat). A new hairdo (i got my hair cut off to my shoulders), my wardrobe reduced to a ¼ of what I had, cancelling, suspending accounts, trips to the op shops (saying goodbye to what I no longer need), appointments – eyes, naturopath, access consciousness session, and saying good bye to those who have been a part of past and now preparing for a road trip to Melbourne.

Emotionally…… I’m ready for this, no regrets, no doubts, just a knowing that this is my opportunity to have more, to have my dreams fulfilled, no sadness of leaving anyone behind, my children see me moving as an opportunity to visit Melbourne (my grandsons first flight…ha-ha), no sense of missing anything or anyone, I am only responsible for me and my life. I can truly say for the first time in my life I am carrying no one else’s burdens, concerns or shit. It is truly just about me. My life is MINE! No responsibilities except to myself! It feels bloody fantastic.

I leave on Friday (4 more sleeps), I will take 5-6 days to travel to Melbourne, taking my time, reflecting and releasing anything that may surface along the way. Finding that freedom within me, having the music loud as I journey, singing like no one is watching, stopping and exploring parts of Australia I am yet to discover. Enjoying the life I am living (a great big sigh). So please …. feel free to follow my journey as I go, I will be posting pictures and blogging along the way, sharing my adventures. Here’s to a new journey.