Here is a blog I started last week
as I was going through the emotions of events happening around me:
We pretend (a line out of one of Pinks songs); Well I know that’s exactly as I’m living my life at the moment, pretending. Pretending – that I’m not falling apart from the inside out, as I allow the behaviour of one very misguided man dictate how I choose to live my life. My body is constantly in fight or flight mode. I’m not sleeping and when I do the nightmares slip in……that he finds me, he knows where I am, I can feel his eyes watching my every movement, looking over my shoulder, not knowing where or when he will appear right in front of me.
I’m allowing this man to control my life and he’s still in bloody
Queensland…. I need to take back my power and live, not to live in fear. Fear
feeds his energy in my life and I do not want that. I have travelled too far in
my life’s journey to allow this arseholes energy to take over my life. WTF am I
I know how to do this! TAKE BACK YOUR CONTROL GIRL… BE THAT
WARRIOR GODDESS who does not need to look over her shoulder, who lives that
life she’s always wanted, who allows fear to slip on by – not even leaving a
mark on her armour. Find your inner strength again sweetheart …. “FOR YOU HAVE
GOT THIS!” Do not feed the negative energy! Do not own it! Do not allow someone else’s
actions to control your reactions. STAND TALL AND STRONG…… AND LIVE! Live in the power of strength, bring that
strength up from your core, breathe in love, take your power from the nature
around you, draw on mother earth’s energy, meditate and find your inner
strength. YOU HAVE GOT THIS!
Do not blame him or yourself for these actions but focus on
the healing, forgiving his sorry freaking arse! I’m angry at myself for
allowing him to take up too much time in my mind, angry at him for the
behaviour. I feel empathic towards him and sadness …. There is a feeling of
hopelessness around him, someone who has been let down again and again losing
all sense of reality around him. The need to create a relationship that is not
real, only it’s very real to him, in desperation of wanting to be loved, to
love and the lines of reality were crossed, no longer able to see the truth as
it’s blurred beyond this world’s reality (these are my own feelings and
viewpoints concerning him, his truth may be very different).
So I am going to go out there today and live my life, finish today’s training and be strong for it, not giving this man a thought (as tears run down my face, not quite believing that I am able to accomplish this – to push the fear aside and just be. It may take a few more days to reach that thought process).
I’m glad to say that my day was fantastic as the training
involved defensive moves and first aid; I left feeling empowered, I felt like –
the real me; probably for the first time since starting my new job. It was
awesome, invigorating and strengthening to my inner self.
We are now at the end of the week and my emotions have been up and down, a fabulous roller coaster ride it has been as I’ve worked through each of these. I’ve started holistic work again (a new segment created at work to allow me to work with what I know); it was absolutely amazing to be doing what I love and know; the connection with spirit as I worked with others. It brought joy back into my life. And there is now an interim order in place for the other issue. The relief I felt as the judge agreed that an order needed to be in place. That breath that I hadn’t been aware that I was holding – released……oooohhhhh
I will continue on this journey of STANDING IN MY POWER, some days may have challenges and diversions, but I will continue to grow, heal and release the old to strength my inner core, my inner goddess to one day – to be able to Stand in My Power without waiving or taking on anybody else’s crap.
It’s been just over two weeks and Victoria has not been that kind to me weather wise, the sun slips out from behind those clouds for the shortest of moments, teasing, reminding me of what I left behind, challenging me, giving me the choose, tempting me…… to give up and move back to Queensland; the Sunshine State. Oh… How I miss the Sunshine!
I’m emotional; it seems all the
time, I can be walking to the bus crying, moving between activities with tears
in my eyes – as I’m missing all things that were once familiar to me, location
(Sunny Coast, the beaches, the hinterland) (even now as I write this, there are
tears running down my face)friends, job, and even my customers. I’m frustrated
to say the least, lost and scared of failing, fearful that I have made the
wrong choice. Tired – locking myself away on my days off; isolating myself
which I tend to do very well.
So many people are just waiting
for me to fail, wanting to see me give up and admit that I made the wrong
choice. Disheartened – putting expectations on anything, will do that too you. Living
in the moment prevents this… which is hard when all of your focus is on what’s
Am I feeling sorry for myself –
absolutely? Focusing on what I don’t have
or am missing is the focus of this week – the process of moving forward –
challenging. Death of my past… grieving for my loss, finding, discovering who I
am without it and I don’t think I’m doing such a great job of that (or maybe
I’m just being too hard on myself as I often am).
My job – it’s still undecided whether I actually enjoy it or not, you see the people I work with are waiting for me to fail, to give up, telling me that I won’t be here for long; as I’m the wrong type (whatever that is supposed to mean, I’m not sure) I’m struggling just to find my feet in this position, my voice…my confidence, my belief in myself. It feels like so much is stacked up against me. A big part of me is ready to give up. Tears just keep on coming; I want something familiar around me. I have some of my belongings, mostly still packed as I don’t have the space to put it.
And to top it all off…..one of my work colleagues decided he’d go for it and give me a kiss (not just once kept coming back for more)- WTF! Like I’m not confused enough and have all of the other shit floating around in my crazy thoughts and now this…. It’s one of those moments of screaming from deep within where no one but you knows that you are screaming; closed off to feeling anything other than the craziness of my mind.
Life is but a journey…….. I have been unsocial when it comes to social media lately, took myself away from the drama and negative, the pulling of unhealthy patterns. So, over the last few months I have experienced so much change within myself. Becoming stronger, experiencing life, and journeying, choosing to experience things I have put off for years, due to lack in one way or another.
First, I went and made a Native American Healing drum.. so excited to finally have my very own drum. Oh the beautiful sound that it makes- touches the soul, my soul, my own personal healing vibration. So much healing took place during that workshop. An experience I would do again, the people I met and some of which I reconnected with. So many blessed, unique souls all in one place. A beautiful day I’ll always remember and a unique healing drum all of my own; to sooth my soul.
Then, I finally got my second tattoo,(I’ve waited about 20years for this)a Phoenix, on my right shoulder. The tattooist did a wonderful job, his gentle but painful touch worked its magic to create a piece of art on my skin that I’ll treasure forever. A symbol of my journey, my healing, my growth and my movement forward, rising out of those ashes, leaving behind what no longer serves me, a reminder that I am a new better version of me. Stronger to had experienced the hurts, disappointments, traumas and life in general. Only to recreate ME. This journey will continue each and every day as I rediscover that things I once knew, liked and even disliked are no longer the same. I AM no longer the same. I am enjoying this new part of me, rediscovering who I am, who I choose to be, challenging myself to reach higher, believe for more, having faith and trusting in myself and the universe to reach these goals and so much more. Of course some days are still a struggle, but every tomorrow is a new day, a chance to begin over……..
After the tattoo, I decided it was time to go and seek out a Naturopath to sort my health issues out. I was lead to a beautiful soul, she was not just a naturopath but a Kinesiologist also, what a fantastic combination. A great first session and a detox begun. I am excited for this journey of better health. Gut issues were causing so many problems throughout my body: Hormones, thyroid, interrupted periods, kidney and liver, general feeling of being unwell, constantly bloated and in pain of some sort throughout the body. I look forward to a better and new me physically – internally and externally.
Next, I hopped on a plane and flew to Melbourne for a job interview(it was a 2nd interview with this company)…. what was I thinking (ran through my head for days before, while I was down there and even once I’d returned)…. however, it felt right, it felt new…. could this be the next part of my journey? While I wait, I’m packing, rearranging my affairs and putting things in place as if I am moving to Melbourne. It just feels right. A waiting game as the end of the week draws near, waiting with anticipation for the results that could change my life dramatically. I am looking forward to this move.
While in Melbourne I stayed with family. A family I didn’t know very well as they only came into my life about 15years ago, just before my Grandfather passed away (you see, he left when i was young, and had another family and they moved from NZ to Australia. My mum later found him and we were lucky enough to see him again before he passed. And meet this new family). My Aunt and Uncle welcomed me with open arms, inviting me into their home as family. I felt welcomed, loved and a part of their world. Dinner at Mosaic’s where their friends meet and music played, my Aunt sang a couple of beautiful songs (which she whispered that they were dedicated to me, I held back my tears, joyful tears, acceptance, loved and a part of something new for me).
SO now, as I sit here ,waiting to hear the outcome of my interview, I keep myself busy, distracting myself of the negative that my body once knew, focusing on creating my next mandala set for the shop in Montville and waiting for the mechanic to arrive to fix my back brakes, packing, deciding what Iwill and will not take with me, blogging (it feels good to blog again) and enjoying my beautiful views of the Hinterland that surrounds me. I look forward to the next part of my journey; wherever that may be.
Lost in my grief, my soul searching for that connection…..with him. Lost…. in the abyss of broken hearts. Broken, wrenched and burning to the core, the fire ignites. Burning what once was… away.
Watching, feeling his heart…… broken, No one can help, as he hardens his heart. Clenching fists as the blood begins to slow…… Holding each breath, as hope begins to go
The twisting of the valves to the heart, stopping the flow. The body shuts down to feel …….no pain. Life rains down around you, the waters clear. Washing what once was……away
Beyond my reach now, the soul cries out, For the man he once knew, had vision and passion for her heart. Trust gone, no room to love another……. Holding each breathe, as hope begins to go.
I yearn to feel his touch once more, his voice soothing my soul. His smile bringing joy and meaning, to the craziness of this world. The land calling my name, sharing, grounding and transforming. Clearing what once was…….away.
My wounds kept us bound……of a journey that was to be, Allowing life to fade….taking the dreams that were meant to be. Separate paths is what it seems, once again our timing was not to be. Holding each breathe, as hope begins to …….be.
Breathing deeply….. to allow life to flow, Accepting the healing, as life begins to slow, Allowing the breeze to blow and the earth to ground Reviving what once was……Me.
My mind is going 100 miles an hour, my heart is aching for someone I cannot have, my soul is screaming for that soul connection and…… it won’t be happening anytime soon. I have to let him go.
I’m 47 years old and I have never experienced that soul connection in a partner, so when i did, it was very overwhelming. It triggered all sorts of past traumas, abuse, hurts, rejections and so much more about myself than I could ever have imagined.
This particular man I have know since I was 9, only the soul connection was not recognised by as throughout our life. We have reached out a few times, trying to connect, only one or the other was not ready and it seems the same for now. The only difference is the soul connection was acknowledged (by me at least, I cannot speak for him), and we moved forward with a casual relationship of sorts.
This beautiful soul was hurt on many levels (and I so want to wrap him up, love him, help heal those hurts, only I cannot) through relationships and traumatic events (as most of as are). He needs time to heal those wounds and to let go of someone he believed was to be his life partner – (this doesn’t leave much space for another to enter into his life; in this moment in time).
So that brings me to my healing journey of……’letting him go’. It has been painful to say the least, I would be pulled back in (it didn’t take much, he fished and I took the bait – hook, line and sinker every time) only to be pushed away over and over again. Through his confusion and what I assume mixed emotions, I was walking away hurt, confused, and grieving for my soul. A piece of me left behind every time. I have never experienced grieving at a soul level before, wow – i didn’t know what was going on. The pain, the ache of losing him over and over again, my soul – screaming…….. out to his soul. Only there was never any answer.
Realizing and acknowledging (I knew, only I didn’t want to acknowledge it, for I had being feeling that my soul partner was getting closer for awhile and finding him, I didn’t want to let him go) that his heart belongs to someone else …………….and that I would be back to my own journey; of just me, again. I do me rather well….. on most days. It would be nice to actually share the rest of my journey with that someone special. Not meant to be just yet.
It is devastating to the soul, mind, heart and spirit. Healing on many different levels, through the self blame, hate, anger, resentment and every other emotion you could think off, it was there in some form or another. Functioning daily became difficult, soul wrenching, (I now understand when they say ‘I’ve had my soul ripped apart’ – for it truly is) crippling and trying to put on that happy, joyful smile – fake to the core. I was not just dealing with that soul connection but with every other trauma that was triggered through that connection. My grandfather dying, sexual abuse, every relationship I’ve had, being caught in the flood, every surgery and everything else in between. My life was being taken back to next to nothing. Moving away from my friends and support system, my clients, my business, everything gone. I gave away most of my possessions. Nothing left… I moved to somewhere I never wanted to return to … South. Re-birthing me …. new.
Nothing seemed to work for me… creating, catching up with family or friends, having new experiences, study, anything I could think of; to not think about him or the pain of everything else. Crippled by emotion, the loud chatter within the mind, the self-loathing, hatred of all that was around me, ooh… the anger that poured from my heart and soul – running to release the pain, drinking to forget, pushing those away – isolating myself from the world that tormented me daily; a reminder of all the pain that’s been dug deep down inside from an early age of 4(or possibly before I was even born- rejection in the womb), I just kept stacking it up, hiding it away from those closest to me – (no trust in anyone) and from myself.
The constant flow of tears, morning, day and night from deep within – what is left of my soul, the fragmented soul – frightened away, straying, lost, or stolen – a part of a our vital essence separates from us in order to survive the trauma throughout our life. Feeling disconnected, incomplete, numb, those out-of-body moments, dead inside, sleepwalking through life, this has been my life for such a long time, so the battle to let go of it all, is hard. Those old beliefs, things taught, everything has to be re-learned. Creating a new way of life, a new way of coping, a new way of doing everything, a new way of ME.
SO that has lead me to a couple of books that have and are still helping me through this healing journey:
‘The Artist’s Way ‘ by Julia Cameron, a course in discovering and recovering your creative self
Soul Retrieval’ by Sandra Ingerman, it is about Mending the Fragmented Self, finding and retrieving your fragmented soul.
listened to music – angry, calming, dancing, and everything else in between, whatever my mood and emotion for that day; dedicated to the genre I listened to
screamed out for help, to anyone – my spirit guides, angels, ascended masters, healers and God himself
cried….. grieved and cried lots more
attempted to create once again – doodling, painting anything, journalling and finally I discovered blogging
explored local towns, looking for that one place to find peace, peace for my soul
danced around the house
beat myself up mentally, forget to eat, scream internally till it felt like my mind was going to explode (I don’t recommend this – write it out or actually scream)
walked, run and settled on body groove
drinking silly amounts of alcohol (doesn’t help in the long term, the problems are still there the next day)
cried lots and then some more……..
gardening for the grounding
isolating myself, from the energies that others shared (didn’t need their shit on top of my own)
took myself to the salt room and for a massage
soaked in the bath
water… be near or in water and around nature constantly, mother earth grounding and sharing her divine unconditional love with me
opened my heart to allow that one or two friends in, receiving healings and a clearing of the chakra and aura (this is what actually cleared the clatter from my mind, so I was able to see the hope in what was to come next for me)
there are probably plenty of other things I did also
Find that something that you can connect with, that something that works for you. Crying will happen even when you don’t want it too, allow it to flow, its a great release on every part of your body. It becomes about your own self care…… look after you, you should be your you number 1. Do what feels right for you, do those things that make you happy, that make your heart sing. It is all about YOU!
So how am I letting him go? By healing me, allowing all of the pain to be released in whatever manner in can (As above), finding those connections within myself, discovering what i like, what i want, it all becomes about me and my own self care, how I look after me, my self-worth, regaining my strength and my own inner Goddess Power. And if we are meant to be as one…. we will find each other again one day (letting go… is exactly that ‘LET HIM GO’, do not hold onto the hope of maybe one day). The healing process takes time, it will not happen over night, months and sometimes years, but by just taking that one step each day you will find your own path to healing the hurts deep within your own soul. No body else can take this journey with you or for you. It has to be all you.
I will continue to share my soul retrieval journey with you in other blogs. If anyone has any question contact me. Love Rachel xx
The twists and turns in ones life, can internally tear you up, one disappointment after the other, you can put yourself out there, apply for those jobs, reach out to find new clients, contact old friends, volunteer, find yourself in casual affairs and still its one knock back after the other; in one way or another. Life just keeps on throwing those challenges in your face – every time you think you’re heading in a new direction or the right direction, another door slams in your face. Life certainly is not fair at times.
What do you do? Fall down and crumble in yet another setback – that’s exactly what I want to do a this moment in my life. To give up, to go home to the father, to just run away and hide somewhere deep within the forest, never to be found or seen again.
What is the freakin (other words used) point of this bullshit? As you can see i am still at the cross-roads in my life, dealing, barely living and waking up every morning to an existence of freakin ants taking over my home, every minute of the day, they are everywhere, i can feel them crawling over me – I can not handle it anymore. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhh……………………………(yes another one of those screaming moments; in my tantrum of defeat).
Healing, releasing, letting go, really what does that even mean…. you can do all of that numerous times in your life – over and over again, all to be repeated months, years or even days again…….. and again, there will always be something to heal from…….. ancestral crap (why couldn’t they deal with their own freakin shit instead of leaving it for us to deal with – don’t we have enough of our own bullshit (and that includes the parents, the ones who don’t want to look at their own burdens, but will gladly interfere in yours)).
The anger left to brew, the music blaring, I must thank him for the introduction to King Diamond, Iron Maiden and the likes, great to have around when the anger is brewing to overflowing. Maybe I should thank him for the heartache, the triggers that became dominate in my everyday living and being that play toy of yes/ no… oh yes please… oh no…. (my torture, of believing in someone and seeing more than what was really there – so thanks for being a huge freakin trigger of past damages, it was a pleasure or not so much)
I found this, and thought it appropriate in so many ways – “Grief doesn’t show; there is no excruciating physical pain that twists and turns your body, no visible wounds or scars, no blood tests that can testify that there is a monster living inside you and the torture is real.” – Poona Priyamvada
Each time we get hurt, let down, lose someone (either through death, or them leaving), losing yourself (those fragmented parts of your soul, that haven’t been recovered) or just general disappointments in life. We go through a period of grief at different levels. The grief, the pain is so very real for each individual, those on the outside don’t usually see it. So we go through our own torture chamber of the mind, creating so many different ways of making our life difficult, torture – the action or practice of inflicting severe pain on ourself as a form of punishment.
Those old belief patterns and things we were taught as we grew up… drummed into our minds, cells and our body, tormenting our everyday lives, creating havoc to the world around us. Every situation we come into there is a crazy mind moment of self loathing, self sabotage building a huge gigantic bridge between our life as we live to the life we desire. People might tell you change your thoughts (yeah right… like that’s going to happen right now..)
So tell me… why even bother in this world, in this life, with the people around you or even those you meet. Most of the time they just re-enforce that they really are not worth a moment of your time, however we still tend to go back for more. Why????????? Some warped desire to be wanted, to be needed, to be loved – no one can love you the way you can love yourself.
So whats next?> I have NO FREAKIN idea!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I guess I just keep waking up every morning hoping that one day soon life will show me something more.. something worth being here for.
In 2014 I did a lot of healing around sexual abuse…. so today I am sharing one of my poems with you all: Innocence’s of a Child
Innocence’s of a Child Tucked in, snuggled into my blankets Innocence’s of a child – snatched away in one fleeting moment Reading, read the book, he said, it’ll be OK Shhhh…….quiet now, it’s our little secret……………do not tell!!! Scared, frightened, all alone, what is happening? Innocence’s of a child
Anger, resentment, fear, guilt, all bottled up, no way to express No one to speak too; must keep quiet, someone may get hurt The pleasure, the pain, bad girl, bad, bad girl What did I do, why is he doing this? Just keep reading…..it’s OK As he slips his hand beneath the blanket
Life changed, closed, broken, lost, no understanding Mum, Dad where are you?……….Help Me!! Why did you let this happen? I became a different child, did you not notice!!! Where were you, when I needed you? Save me……Make him stop!!!!!
Hide…………I must hide, there is no help Shut the door, under the bed, let nobody in …….must hide He can’t find me then, I want to feel safe Shut down……………Feel nothing Innocence’s snatched so young Thank you Uncle
Years of locked emotions, no communication….. Only fear, anger, guilt, shame and hurt Guilty of feeling pleasure, its OK…….no its not right Shut it off……..feel no more Tears, so many tears, unable to release them All alone, no one to help me
I’m a scared child, hiding in a corner, cowering I believed I’d be safe, only I wasn’t Lost……my childhood Growing, remaining that lost child, hiding in a corner What am I feeling? What am I allowed to feel? Broken, shattered spirit
I never remembered being abused growing up, I knew something wasn’t right, I was that scared little girl, hiding in the corner of my existence – to scared to allow people to see me. I would hide behind oversized clothing, and only spoke when I needed to. Not having a voice, but cowering at any sign of confrontation. Boyfriends – that’s another story; however it effected the way I interacted with both male and females alike – I had no trust in anyone.
It wasn’t until I was married, that the memories were triggered, I’m not sure whether it was something he did or said. They came rushing back, so vivid and real – he blamed these memories for our problems, only the problems we had were there from day 1 of meeting(that story is for another day).
So I struggled through life – keeping all of this to myself. It was in my 30’s where I began going to a psychologist… and through those sessions I was able to write and begin to express what I was feeling inside. Its not to say that I didn’t struggle after these sessions because I did. There are a lot of years of repressed emotions, belief patterns and so much more to deal with than just releasing those emotions. Blame, unforgiveness, fear, shame and other emotional traumatic situations, that just kept adding to the stack of bricks building my wall higher and higher (so many different situations there I could talk about, another time perhaps).
When I wrote this poem, it was one of the hardest things I chose to do. I had to relive the experience, remember the details as best I could; to be able to release as much as I could. Only there are still some things I do not remember. This may be by choose, or is my subconscious protecting me from something bigger, a reality that I may not be able to cope with?
I am hoping that by me sharing my experience, it will encourage others to seek out help and to begin there own healing process.