To Write My Truth

When I began blogging I wanted to write my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered, uncensored. It was going to be my way of releasing those thoughts I could not verbally speak, the crazy dramatic thoughts the mind creates, the self-moralizing thoughts we all tend to have at one time or another. I wanted to share my adventures, my journey to a new beginning, new discoveries – not only about my new surroundings but the changes within me. To hopefully encourage someone else out there who themselves were struggling, only somewhere along the way I had forgotten this, doubt poured through my body and I stopped believing in me.

There were a couple of blogs where I wrote my truth, my experiences in a situation with someone I had met, ( I found myself filtering what I was writing knowing there was a possibility he may read it). Even with me filtering my thoughts, he made life difficult (as we worked together), making inappropriate comments and gestures while at work (and he was trying to convince me to go out with him…Hahaha that will win me over for sure..NOT). If I had not known the emotional trauma behind his behaviour I could have chosen to have him up on sexual harassment in the workplace. But I was trying to be that martyr and help him, only his true colours eventually started showing up in other areas within the work place and he was asked to leave.

Through this situation, I kept finding myself as that little child, scared and broken hiding in the corner of my darkness, wanting someone to save me, the fear of being left behind, not loved or wanted. This man kept telling me he only wanted to look after me, with his words and bullying I became someone I no longer recognised, I allowed his words to become doubt within my mind, a part of me wanted to give in to those words, to have someone look after me. I felt tired of the struggle, of the barriers I’d put up around me, only letting people part way in, my fear stronger in those moments… not opening myself up to be loved, not trusting those who choose to.

Through this experience I realised and acknowledged that perhaps there were …things  still within my shadows, lurking about waiting to come forth for me to …..”Let go”, so here I am participating in one of my intentions of writing my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered and uncensored.

There may be still a little way for me to get completely to that point again, but I’m choosing to begin here, today.

The Update

I can’t believe it’s been two months (another Blog written in July) already and what an interesting time it has been. A few challenges along the way with work and my personal …emotional state, of dealing with each situation as they came up.

  1. That uninvited kiss – well he continued to push, he wanted me to be reliant on him, stating that he only wanted to look after me. Only his behaviour and words triggered things within me to the point where I didn’t like who I was – doubting myself, allowing my confidence to waiver. He wanted to control ……That’s not what I wanted or needed; another control freak. He is not currently in my life anymore and that is such a relief. I am able to go about my job without being sexually harassed. He was a broken man, not willing to look at himself or take responsibility for anything.
  2. Stalker – an interim order is in place and last I heard he announced to everyone that he was moving to Melbourne to be with me- he flew down a week or two ago. Haven’t heard as to his whereabouts. He is currently on ice in my freezer.

Work – challenges from day to day

My job is to call a code when something happens and assistance is required immediately. Well on this particular day, I had no ear piece and the officer with me was too busy talking to me with his back to the threat. I politely informed him he needed to attend the conflict happening behind him and knowing there were two other officers outside the door… I took off running to inform them. Only on camera it looks like I’m fleeing the situation all together. The code was called and assistance was there in moments to deal with the situation at hand.

How things can be misinterpreted… especially when you don’t see the whole picture.  So I was known as the girl who runs …. Just what I needed, however it was soon forgotten as the next situation became more interesting to talk about.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Time to Stand in my Power (the journey to get there)

Here is a blog I started last week as I was going through the emotions of events happening around me:

We pretend (a line out of one of Pinks songs); Well I know that’s exactly as I’m living my life at the moment, pretending. Pretending – that I’m not falling apart from the inside out, as I allow the behaviour of one very misguided man dictate how I choose to live my life. My body is constantly in fight or flight mode. I’m not sleeping and when I do the nightmares slip in……that he finds me, he knows where I am, I can feel his eyes watching my every movement, looking over my shoulder, not knowing where or when he will appear right in front of me.

I’m allowing this man to control my life and he’s still in bloody Queensland…. I need to take back my power and live, not to live in fear. Fear feeds his energy in my life and I do not want that. I have travelled too far in my life’s journey to allow this arseholes energy to take over my life. WTF am I doing?

I know how to do this! TAKE BACK YOUR CONTROL GIRL… BE THAT WARRIOR GODDESS who does not need to look over her shoulder, who lives that life she’s always wanted, who allows fear to slip on by – not even leaving a mark on her armour. Find your inner strength again sweetheart …. “FOR YOU HAVE GOT THIS!” Do not feed the negative energy!  Do not own it! Do not allow someone else’s actions to control your reactions. STAND TALL AND STRONG…… AND LIVE!  Live in the power of strength, bring that strength up from your core, breathe in love, take your power from the nature around you, draw on mother earth’s energy, meditate and find your inner strength. YOU HAVE GOT THIS!

Do not blame him or yourself for these actions but focus on the healing, forgiving his sorry freaking arse! I’m angry at myself for allowing him to take up too much time in my mind, angry at him for the behaviour. I feel empathic towards him and sadness …. There is a feeling of hopelessness around him, someone who has been let down again and again losing all sense of reality around him. The need to create a relationship that is not real, only it’s very real to him, in desperation of wanting to be loved, to love and the lines of reality were crossed, no longer able to see the truth as it’s blurred beyond this world’s reality (these are my own feelings and viewpoints concerning him, his truth may be very different).

So I am going to go out there today and live my life, finish today’s training and be strong for it, not giving this man a thought (as tears run down my face, not quite believing that I am able to accomplish this – to push the fear aside and just be. It may take a few more days to reach that thought process).

I’m glad to say that my day was fantastic as the training involved defensive moves and first aid; I left feeling empowered, I felt like – the real me; probably for the first time since starting my new job. It was awesome, invigorating and strengthening to my inner self.

We are now at the end of the week and my emotions have been up and down, a fabulous roller coaster ride it has been as I’ve worked through each of these. I’ve started holistic work again (a new segment created at work to allow me to work with what I know); it was absolutely amazing to be doing what I love and know; the connection with spirit as I worked with others. It brought joy back into my life. And there is now an interim order in place for the other issue. The relief I felt as the judge agreed that an order needed to be in place. That breath that I hadn’t been aware that I was holding – released……oooohhhhh

I will continue on this journey of STANDING IN MY POWER, some days may have challenges and diversions, but I will continue to grow, heal and release the old to strength my inner core, my inner goddess to one day – to be able to Stand in My Power without waiving or taking on anybody else’s crap.

Uncharted Territory

Over the last 4 weeks I have lived in 5 different locations: Kooralbyn, Jimboomba, Hoppers Crossing, Pascoe Vale and my current location (which I am unable to reveal for my own safety (which I will talk about in another blog)). Every time I have moved I have released numerous things from material, emotional and physical. I moved to Victoria with whatever I could fit into the back of the car I hired, everything else was given away.

I had a great chat to a Yoga teacher today, she helped me realize the enormity of the choices that I have made over the last month and the courage and strength it took to be able to achieve this one goal. The release of doing just that was huge; the implications now only coming to the surface…. The reality of what I did, BIG, hence the emotional outbursts that come forth within me as I’m beginning to understand what is happening around me.

I want to scream, rant and rave, let out the aggression, anger that is building up within me. Here is my inspiring talk to myself –“WTF are you doing? Find your centre, find your strength, find your balance, find YOU… I can do this; I’ve got this… do what you came down here to do? Which is? I’m not even sure, anymore. Stop allowing outside things to influence you, stop listening to the people around you, they are just trying to get into your head to distract, to get their own way, to bully and manipulate you. Why didn’t I see that sooner? Because you were trying to please those around you, keep everyone happy, keep the peace. Oh… I love my self-talks, they are so inspiring.

While we’re at this finger pointing – I’m annoyed with myself for not taking better care of me.

I’m in a strange city, unfamiliar, so many different cultures, suburban, ethical backgrounds; I’m lost in a sea of uncharted territory, allowing the emotional tides to come and go as they renew the sand on the shores. It sounds so poetic.

Rain, rain; go away come again another day – Victoria can be miserable with the weather constantly cold and wet, the sun attempts to creep out from behind the clouds only to be overrun by darker, bigger clouds – bursting, overflowing, emotion waiting to explode down on the world below. The darkness held within, taking the negative from the people below-releasing a cleansing on the earth to renew and refresh the ground in which we all walk. A icy cold breeze – creeping into the depth of your bones – coldness from the inside out. Trying to keep warm, wrapped in scarves, gloves, beanies and layers of clothing. Warmth… coldness….. Balance of the energies within to bring harmony back into your life.

Creating the life I want, creating my very own masterpiece within me, bringing about my hearts desires in my grounding, balance, peace……piecing together the right words to express what I’m feeling is not working… just words on a screen, not making much sense at the moment. Write and rewrite… delete and write some more, copy and paste.

Wanting to scream… it’s loud on the inside… but nothing is being heard from beyond my mind… no one can hear my screams, except for me. Screaming for the release of my soul, to find my new freedom, not taking on the crap around me or allowing my old ways to fall back into a comfort zone off what once was, what my body has always known and expected from the world, but allowing only the new to remain without taking back the old. Keeping the freedom within me and not allowing the pressures of my new environment to take heed of……… Not allowing the negative and the heaviness of the new job to create a wedge between my new reality, my new experiences and my new world of discovery. My need for a Spiritual connection with like-minded people– my familiar, my soul, my family, the core of my life.

Forgetting to live in the moment, in the now – worry, concern creeps in about mundane things, have I slipped back into the way of things, allowed the scared little girl to come out , the one that doesn’t trust or believe that something great is happening, the old belief of not being good enough….

The Teasing Sun

It’s been just over two weeks and Victoria has not been that kind to me weather wise, the sun slips out from behind those clouds for the shortest of moments, teasing, reminding me of what I left behind, challenging me, giving me the choose, tempting me…… to give up and move back to Queensland; the Sunshine State. Oh… How I miss the Sunshine!

I’m emotional; it seems all the time, I can be walking to the bus crying, moving between activities with tears in my eyes – as I’m missing all things that were once familiar to me, location (Sunny Coast, the beaches, the hinterland) (even now as I write this, there are tears running down my face)friends, job, and even my customers. I’m frustrated to say the least, lost and scared of failing, fearful that I have made the wrong choice. Tired – locking myself away on my days off; isolating myself which I tend to do very well.

So many people are just waiting for me to fail, wanting to see me give up and admit that I made the wrong choice. Disheartened – putting expectations on anything, will do that too you. Living in the moment prevents this… which is hard when all of your focus is on what’s not happening.

Am I feeling sorry for myself – absolutely?  Focusing on what I don’t have or am missing is the focus of this week – the process of moving forward – challenging. Death of my past… grieving for my loss, finding, discovering who I am without it and I don’t think I’m doing such a great job of that (or maybe I’m just being too hard on myself as I often am).

My job – it’s still undecided whether I actually enjoy it or not, you see the people I work with are waiting for me to fail, to give up, telling me that I won’t be here for long; as I’m the wrong type (whatever that is supposed to mean, I’m not sure) I’m struggling just to find my feet in this position, my voice…my confidence, my belief in myself. It feels like so much is stacked up against me. A big part of me is ready to give up. Tears just keep on coming; I want something familiar around me. I have some of my belongings, mostly still packed as I don’t have the space to put it.

And to top it all off…..one of my work colleagues decided he’d go for it and give me a kiss (not just once kept coming back for more)- WTF! Like I’m not confused enough and have all of the other shit floating around in my crazy thoughts and now this…. It’s one of those moments of screaming from deep within where no one but you knows that you are screaming; closed off to feeling anything other than the craziness of my mind.