To Write My Truth

When I began blogging I wanted to write my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered, uncensored. It was going to be my way of releasing those thoughts I could not verbally speak, the crazy dramatic thoughts the mind creates, the self-moralizing thoughts we all tend to have at one time or another. I wanted to share my adventures, my journey to a new beginning, new discoveries – not only about my new surroundings but the changes within me. To hopefully encourage someone else out there who themselves were struggling, only somewhere along the way I had forgotten this, doubt poured through my body and I stopped believing in me.

There were a couple of blogs where I wrote my truth, my experiences in a situation with someone I had met, ( I found myself filtering what I was writing knowing there was a possibility he may read it). Even with me filtering my thoughts, he made life difficult (as we worked together), making inappropriate comments and gestures while at work (and he was trying to convince me to go out with him…Hahaha that will win me over for sure..NOT). If I had not known the emotional trauma behind his behaviour I could have chosen to have him up on sexual harassment in the workplace. But I was trying to be that martyr and help him, only his true colours eventually started showing up in other areas within the work place and he was asked to leave.

Through this situation, I kept finding myself as that little child, scared and broken hiding in the corner of my darkness, wanting someone to save me, the fear of being left behind, not loved or wanted. This man kept telling me he only wanted to look after me, with his words and bullying I became someone I no longer recognised, I allowed his words to become doubt within my mind, a part of me wanted to give in to those words, to have someone look after me. I felt tired of the struggle, of the barriers I’d put up around me, only letting people part way in, my fear stronger in those moments… not opening myself up to be loved, not trusting those who choose to.

Through this experience I realised and acknowledged that perhaps there were …things  still within my shadows, lurking about waiting to come forth for me to …..”Let go”, so here I am participating in one of my intentions of writing my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered and uncensored.

There may be still a little way for me to get completely to that point again, but I’m choosing to begin here, today.

Time to Stand in my Power (the journey to get there)

Here is a blog I started last week as I was going through the emotions of events happening around me:

We pretend (a line out of one of Pinks songs); Well I know that’s exactly as I’m living my life at the moment, pretending. Pretending – that I’m not falling apart from the inside out, as I allow the behaviour of one very misguided man dictate how I choose to live my life. My body is constantly in fight or flight mode. I’m not sleeping and when I do the nightmares slip in……that he finds me, he knows where I am, I can feel his eyes watching my every movement, looking over my shoulder, not knowing where or when he will appear right in front of me.

I’m allowing this man to control my life and he’s still in bloody Queensland…. I need to take back my power and live, not to live in fear. Fear feeds his energy in my life and I do not want that. I have travelled too far in my life’s journey to allow this arseholes energy to take over my life. WTF am I doing?

I know how to do this! TAKE BACK YOUR CONTROL GIRL… BE THAT WARRIOR GODDESS who does not need to look over her shoulder, who lives that life she’s always wanted, who allows fear to slip on by – not even leaving a mark on her armour. Find your inner strength again sweetheart …. “FOR YOU HAVE GOT THIS!” Do not feed the negative energy!  Do not own it! Do not allow someone else’s actions to control your reactions. STAND TALL AND STRONG…… AND LIVE!  Live in the power of strength, bring that strength up from your core, breathe in love, take your power from the nature around you, draw on mother earth’s energy, meditate and find your inner strength. YOU HAVE GOT THIS!

Do not blame him or yourself for these actions but focus on the healing, forgiving his sorry freaking arse! I’m angry at myself for allowing him to take up too much time in my mind, angry at him for the behaviour. I feel empathic towards him and sadness …. There is a feeling of hopelessness around him, someone who has been let down again and again losing all sense of reality around him. The need to create a relationship that is not real, only it’s very real to him, in desperation of wanting to be loved, to love and the lines of reality were crossed, no longer able to see the truth as it’s blurred beyond this world’s reality (these are my own feelings and viewpoints concerning him, his truth may be very different).

So I am going to go out there today and live my life, finish today’s training and be strong for it, not giving this man a thought (as tears run down my face, not quite believing that I am able to accomplish this – to push the fear aside and just be. It may take a few more days to reach that thought process).

I’m glad to say that my day was fantastic as the training involved defensive moves and first aid; I left feeling empowered, I felt like – the real me; probably for the first time since starting my new job. It was awesome, invigorating and strengthening to my inner self.

We are now at the end of the week and my emotions have been up and down, a fabulous roller coaster ride it has been as I’ve worked through each of these. I’ve started holistic work again (a new segment created at work to allow me to work with what I know); it was absolutely amazing to be doing what I love and know; the connection with spirit as I worked with others. It brought joy back into my life. And there is now an interim order in place for the other issue. The relief I felt as the judge agreed that an order needed to be in place. That breath that I hadn’t been aware that I was holding – released……oooohhhhh

I will continue on this journey of STANDING IN MY POWER, some days may have challenges and diversions, but I will continue to grow, heal and release the old to strength my inner core, my inner goddess to one day – to be able to Stand in My Power without waiving or taking on anybody else’s crap.