Over the last 4 weeks I have lived in 5 different locations: Kooralbyn, Jimboomba, Hoppers Crossing, Pascoe Vale and my current location (which I am unable to reveal for my own safety (which I will talk about in another blog)). Every time I have moved I have released numerous things from material, emotional and physical. I moved to Victoria with whatever I could fit into the back of the car I hired, everything else was given away.
I had a great chat to a Yoga teacher today, she helped me realize the enormity of the choices that I have made over the last month and the courage and strength it took to be able to achieve this one goal. The release of doing just that was huge; the implications now only coming to the surface…. The reality of what I did, BIG, hence the emotional outbursts that come forth within me as I’m beginning to understand what is happening around me.
I want to scream, rant and rave, let out the aggression, anger that is building up within me. Here is my inspiring talk to myself –“WTF are you doing? Find your centre, find your strength, find your balance, find YOU… I can do this; I’ve got this… do what you came down here to do? Which is? I’m not even sure, anymore. Stop allowing outside things to influence you, stop listening to the people around you, they are just trying to get into your head to distract, to get their own way, to bully and manipulate you. Why didn’t I see that sooner? Because you were trying to please those around you, keep everyone happy, keep the peace. Oh… I love my self-talks, they are so inspiring.
While we’re at this finger pointing – I’m annoyed with myself for not taking better care of me.
I’m in a strange city, unfamiliar, so many different cultures, suburban, ethical backgrounds; I’m lost in a sea of uncharted territory, allowing the emotional tides to come and go as they renew the sand on the shores. It sounds so poetic.
Rain, rain; go away come again another day – Victoria can be miserable with the weather constantly cold and wet, the sun attempts to creep out from behind the clouds only to be overrun by darker, bigger clouds – bursting, overflowing, emotion waiting to explode down on the world below. The darkness held within, taking the negative from the people below-releasing a cleansing on the earth to renew and refresh the ground in which we all walk. A icy cold breeze – creeping into the depth of your bones – coldness from the inside out. Trying to keep warm, wrapped in scarves, gloves, beanies and layers of clothing. Warmth… coldness….. Balance of the energies within to bring harmony back into your life.
Creating the life I want, creating my very own masterpiece within me, bringing about my hearts desires in my grounding, balance, peace……piecing together the right words to express what I’m feeling is not working… just words on a screen, not making much sense at the moment. Write and rewrite… delete and write some more, copy and paste.
Wanting to scream… it’s loud on the inside… but nothing is being heard from beyond my mind… no one can hear my screams, except for me. Screaming for the release of my soul, to find my new freedom, not taking on the crap around me or allowing my old ways to fall back into a comfort zone off what once was, what my body has always known and expected from the world, but allowing only the new to remain without taking back the old. Keeping the freedom within me and not allowing the pressures of my new environment to take heed of……… Not allowing the negative and the heaviness of the new job to create a wedge between my new reality, my new experiences and my new world of discovery. My need for a Spiritual connection with like-minded people– my familiar, my soul, my family, the core of my life.
Forgetting to live in the moment, in the now – worry, concern creeps in about mundane things, have I slipped back into the way of things, allowed the scared little girl to come out , the one that doesn’t trust or believe that something great is happening, the old belief of not being good enough….