The Update

I can’t believe it’s been two months (another Blog written in July) already and what an interesting time it has been. A few challenges along the way with work and my personal …emotional state, of dealing with each situation as they came up.

  1. That uninvited kiss – well he continued to push, he wanted me to be reliant on him, stating that he only wanted to look after me. Only his behaviour and words triggered things within me to the point where I didn’t like who I was – doubting myself, allowing my confidence to waiver. He wanted to control ……That’s not what I wanted or needed; another control freak. He is not currently in my life anymore and that is such a relief. I am able to go about my job without being sexually harassed. He was a broken man, not willing to look at himself or take responsibility for anything.
  2. Stalker – an interim order is in place and last I heard he announced to everyone that he was moving to Melbourne to be with me- he flew down a week or two ago. Haven’t heard as to his whereabouts. He is currently on ice in my freezer.

Work – challenges from day to day

My job is to call a code when something happens and assistance is required immediately. Well on this particular day, I had no ear piece and the officer with me was too busy talking to me with his back to the threat. I politely informed him he needed to attend the conflict happening behind him and knowing there were two other officers outside the door… I took off running to inform them. Only on camera it looks like I’m fleeing the situation all together. The code was called and assistance was there in moments to deal with the situation at hand.

How things can be misinterpreted… especially when you don’t see the whole picture.  So I was known as the girl who runs …. Just what I needed, however it was soon forgotten as the next situation became more interesting to talk about.

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

The Teasing Sun

It’s been just over two weeks and Victoria has not been that kind to me weather wise, the sun slips out from behind those clouds for the shortest of moments, teasing, reminding me of what I left behind, challenging me, giving me the choose, tempting me…… to give up and move back to Queensland; the Sunshine State. Oh… How I miss the Sunshine!

I’m emotional; it seems all the time, I can be walking to the bus crying, moving between activities with tears in my eyes – as I’m missing all things that were once familiar to me, location (Sunny Coast, the beaches, the hinterland) (even now as I write this, there are tears running down my face)friends, job, and even my customers. I’m frustrated to say the least, lost and scared of failing, fearful that I have made the wrong choice. Tired – locking myself away on my days off; isolating myself which I tend to do very well.

So many people are just waiting for me to fail, wanting to see me give up and admit that I made the wrong choice. Disheartened – putting expectations on anything, will do that too you. Living in the moment prevents this… which is hard when all of your focus is on what’s not happening.

Am I feeling sorry for myself – absolutely?  Focusing on what I don’t have or am missing is the focus of this week – the process of moving forward – challenging. Death of my past… grieving for my loss, finding, discovering who I am without it and I don’t think I’m doing such a great job of that (or maybe I’m just being too hard on myself as I often am).

My job – it’s still undecided whether I actually enjoy it or not, you see the people I work with are waiting for me to fail, to give up, telling me that I won’t be here for long; as I’m the wrong type (whatever that is supposed to mean, I’m not sure) I’m struggling just to find my feet in this position, my voice…my confidence, my belief in myself. It feels like so much is stacked up against me. A big part of me is ready to give up. Tears just keep on coming; I want something familiar around me. I have some of my belongings, mostly still packed as I don’t have the space to put it.

And to top it all off…..one of my work colleagues decided he’d go for it and give me a kiss (not just once kept coming back for more)- WTF! Like I’m not confused enough and have all of the other shit floating around in my crazy thoughts and now this…. It’s one of those moments of screaming from deep within where no one but you knows that you are screaming; closed off to feeling anything other than the craziness of my mind.