Uncharted Territory

Over the last 4 weeks I have lived in 5 different locations: Kooralbyn, Jimboomba, Hoppers Crossing, Pascoe Vale and my current location (which I am unable to reveal for my own safety (which I will talk about in another blog)). Every time I have moved I have released numerous things from material, emotional and physical. I moved to Victoria with whatever I could fit into the back of the car I hired, everything else was given away.

I had a great chat to a Yoga teacher today, she helped me realize the enormity of the choices that I have made over the last month and the courage and strength it took to be able to achieve this one goal. The release of doing just that was huge; the implications now only coming to the surface…. The reality of what I did, BIG, hence the emotional outbursts that come forth within me as I’m beginning to understand what is happening around me.

I want to scream, rant and rave, let out the aggression, anger that is building up within me. Here is my inspiring talk to myself –“WTF are you doing? Find your centre, find your strength, find your balance, find YOU… I can do this; I’ve got this… do what you came down here to do? Which is? I’m not even sure, anymore. Stop allowing outside things to influence you, stop listening to the people around you, they are just trying to get into your head to distract, to get their own way, to bully and manipulate you. Why didn’t I see that sooner? Because you were trying to please those around you, keep everyone happy, keep the peace. Oh… I love my self-talks, they are so inspiring.

While we’re at this finger pointing – I’m annoyed with myself for not taking better care of me.

I’m in a strange city, unfamiliar, so many different cultures, suburban, ethical backgrounds; I’m lost in a sea of uncharted territory, allowing the emotional tides to come and go as they renew the sand on the shores. It sounds so poetic.

Rain, rain; go away come again another day – Victoria can be miserable with the weather constantly cold and wet, the sun attempts to creep out from behind the clouds only to be overrun by darker, bigger clouds – bursting, overflowing, emotion waiting to explode down on the world below. The darkness held within, taking the negative from the people below-releasing a cleansing on the earth to renew and refresh the ground in which we all walk. A icy cold breeze – creeping into the depth of your bones – coldness from the inside out. Trying to keep warm, wrapped in scarves, gloves, beanies and layers of clothing. Warmth… coldness….. Balance of the energies within to bring harmony back into your life.

Creating the life I want, creating my very own masterpiece within me, bringing about my hearts desires in my grounding, balance, peace……piecing together the right words to express what I’m feeling is not working… just words on a screen, not making much sense at the moment. Write and rewrite… delete and write some more, copy and paste.

Wanting to scream… it’s loud on the inside… but nothing is being heard from beyond my mind… no one can hear my screams, except for me. Screaming for the release of my soul, to find my new freedom, not taking on the crap around me or allowing my old ways to fall back into a comfort zone off what once was, what my body has always known and expected from the world, but allowing only the new to remain without taking back the old. Keeping the freedom within me and not allowing the pressures of my new environment to take heed of……… Not allowing the negative and the heaviness of the new job to create a wedge between my new reality, my new experiences and my new world of discovery. My need for a Spiritual connection with like-minded people– my familiar, my soul, my family, the core of my life.

Forgetting to live in the moment, in the now – worry, concern creeps in about mundane things, have I slipped back into the way of things, allowed the scared little girl to come out , the one that doesn’t trust or believe that something great is happening, the old belief of not being good enough….

The Teasing Sun

It’s been just over two weeks and Victoria has not been that kind to me weather wise, the sun slips out from behind those clouds for the shortest of moments, teasing, reminding me of what I left behind, challenging me, giving me the choose, tempting me…… to give up and move back to Queensland; the Sunshine State. Oh… How I miss the Sunshine!

I’m emotional; it seems all the time, I can be walking to the bus crying, moving between activities with tears in my eyes – as I’m missing all things that were once familiar to me, location (Sunny Coast, the beaches, the hinterland) (even now as I write this, there are tears running down my face)friends, job, and even my customers. I’m frustrated to say the least, lost and scared of failing, fearful that I have made the wrong choice. Tired – locking myself away on my days off; isolating myself which I tend to do very well.

So many people are just waiting for me to fail, wanting to see me give up and admit that I made the wrong choice. Disheartened – putting expectations on anything, will do that too you. Living in the moment prevents this… which is hard when all of your focus is on what’s not happening.

Am I feeling sorry for myself – absolutely?  Focusing on what I don’t have or am missing is the focus of this week – the process of moving forward – challenging. Death of my past… grieving for my loss, finding, discovering who I am without it and I don’t think I’m doing such a great job of that (or maybe I’m just being too hard on myself as I often am).

My job – it’s still undecided whether I actually enjoy it or not, you see the people I work with are waiting for me to fail, to give up, telling me that I won’t be here for long; as I’m the wrong type (whatever that is supposed to mean, I’m not sure) I’m struggling just to find my feet in this position, my voice…my confidence, my belief in myself. It feels like so much is stacked up against me. A big part of me is ready to give up. Tears just keep on coming; I want something familiar around me. I have some of my belongings, mostly still packed as I don’t have the space to put it.

And to top it all off…..one of my work colleagues decided he’d go for it and give me a kiss (not just once kept coming back for more)- WTF! Like I’m not confused enough and have all of the other shit floating around in my crazy thoughts and now this…. It’s one of those moments of screaming from deep within where no one but you knows that you are screaming; closed off to feeling anything other than the craziness of my mind.

Perceptions

Life is funny at times… the little things that you seem to miss from day to day. The sunshine for one, the familiar faces of customers coming and going, family and friends (even the ones that irritate that something deep within you), the wild life and mother nature’s beauty of rolling mountains and the tall shadows of the trees. All of those things that you take for granted….. I miss them all. Life is different here in Victoria (well…the suburb I’m currently in). There is very little nature (I’m no longer in the country), only concrete and brick buildings, the homes squashed and packed like sardines. The weather is cold and miserable, the colours so dark and dreary – black, grey, brown. Where is the colour to brighten up those hard days of torment that you see on people’s faces?

The lack of smiles, expression, joy and happiness as you pass them in the street. It’s so miserable, people don’t want to look you in the eyes, make contact… Why is that? Is it, fear of someone seeing the truth within, have they just given up on having or being something more or has society created an attitude of conformity – where everyone just follows the one in front, not questioning the outcome.

Yesterday I saw two homeless people – one guy he was just sitting there outside of Coles with no expression on his face; a numbness of despair, he was holding up a $10 note, just staring at it, it’s like he didn’t know what to do with it, not believing that someone gave him money – he was disengaged, deserted his body – the soul and spirit had already left (hope gone). And then at the train station this older women, her cheeks were red from the cold air, with no shoes wandering around disorientated, devoid, a lack of hope within her eyes, she seemed to have abandoned and resolved to the fact that this was her life, it wasn’t getting any better.

Heartbreaking to see, everyone just walking on by, not even noticing – like neither of them even existed. People blind by choice, not wanting to see, not wanting to acknowledge that this is what our society has created. Homelessness!!

 “You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say you did not know”

William Wilberforce

The public seems to have their own perception of homelessness, as being an older man or women with a drinking or drug problem who sleeps in an inner-city park or street. However, it’s more than just that. Homelessness can affect men, women, and children from a wide range of backgrounds. It is often masked by the fact that people experiencing homeless move from one temporary solution to another, making do until they can find permanent accommodation.

The hidden homeless as they call it – move between the homes of family members or friends, stay in refuges, boarding houses, motels, caravans and even cars. Uncertainty can take an enormous toll on a person’s self-worth.

If you would like to know more about homelessness and how you can help please click on one of the links below:

https://vincentcare.org.au/?services=about-homelessnessunder-housing-and-homeless

https://www.homelessnessaustralia.org.au/about/homelessness-statistics.

https://www.melbourne.vic.gov.au/community/health-support-services/social-support/Pages/help-homeless.aspx

Day 6 – Junee To Melbourne

My last day of traveling from Queensland…. And what a journey it has been; of discovery, trying new things, meeting new people, catching up with old friends, learning more about Australia’s history and enjoying the solitude of just being with me.

Today I stopped at Albury for brunch at a little café, near the train station, wonderful food, everything organic, fantastic service. I would recommend this to anyone passing on through.

I didn’t have too many stops today as:

  1. The weather was crappy… rain, hail and shine. Wouldn’t be able to enjoy the scenery or the exploring
  2. I was over it all – especially the car, continuously slipping out of gear, extremely frustrating. I couldn’t stand driving it anymore.
  3. Tired, so tired…. Rest, sleep is what I need

Stopping every 1/2hour to pee was getting a little crazy; apparently it’s all part of the change of weather, my body adapting. So much joy in that! There were metal seats – ooh not so friendly for the backside, icy cold. Then the plastic seats, they weren’t as bad – ooh and how can I forget the natural whatever they are called, where there’s basically a hole in the ground – the deep dark abyss of the unknown lurks beneath you as you go about your business. How can that be right?

One of my favorite memories was pulling over on the side of the road, trying to find a tree to pee behind, while it was pissing down with rain – hoping no one stops to check on me (which of course they did). Jumping from one foot to the other, hoping I didn’t pee my pants right there, wishing they would hurry up and leave. And the relief once they did……

Catching up with another primary school friend as I arrived in Melbourne was entertaining to say the least. All in good fun… discussing my love life with one particular male was humorous in all its form- the craziness of one’s mind and the lack of remorse, being screwed up as it comes or should I say screwed about, as he screwed plenty of women around in that short span of six months. Leaving a bitter taste in my mouth and him behind in so many ways. Sadness washes over me as I see him as nothing more than a lost child, not willing to heal his past, just sweep the hurt and unresolved issues under the rug, as many people do, as I did for many years.

Finally, I arrived in Hoppers Crossing at my Uncles place – a warm welcome as always. Love these two dearly. Car due back today, only they won’t get it until tomorrow as it’s getting late and I don’t chose to fight the crazy traffic in Melbourne.

Day 5 – Orange to Junee

What a cold night it was… down to 1 degree in Orange. Luckily the hotel I was staying in had heating, electric blankets – heaven. A late start today as I sleep in, that never seems to happen, but I certainly needed the extra few hours of sleep.

My first stop was for breakfast in a little town called Cargo, The Café – Timber Tales. A beautiful ambience as the fire burned, homey and very welcoming. A place I would recommend to anyone passing through this small town.

Cowra was big on all things Japanese – the Japanese POW camp, grave sites and of cause the Japanese Garden and Culture Centre, which I visited. A beautiful garden, fall of colour, waterfalls and plants native to Japan. I took my time as I strolled through the garden, sitting soaking up the sun, trying to find that little bit of warmth, as I was cold down to the bone. The Culture Centre displayed many a great things, paintings, Samurai swords, Japanese dolls and so much more. A time well spent.

Next I traveled to Cootamundra where I took the time to wander through their Heritage Centre – full of local history – wartime, aboriginal culture, trains and about their local hero – Bradman.

The day started out sunny and bright but quickly turned wet and a little dreary the further south I traveled. Lucky the heater in the car was working. The closer I near Melbourne the more nervous I am becoming. So many changes are taking place, still no regrets or tears for that matter. I just know that this move is right for me. Where will I live, how soon will I be able to get a car are just some of the questions that I’m asking the universe. Trying to keep my focus strictly on the now, on the moment, enjoying been in the present and the adventure before me. The rest will be here soon enough.

My next stop – Junee, where I headed straight to the Licorice & Chocolate Factory- Yum! Another place with a fantastic ambience, fire burning, food cooking and people enjoying their meals. I chose to make my own Rocky Road – now that was fun, I got to choose what I’d like in my rocky road, then comes the fun part where you get your hands dirty, mixing all of the ingredients together with the chocolate. They encourage you to lick your fingers and enjoy the flavor of the chocolate. Next I attended the licorice factory tour, sampling was allowed. And we played upright licorice bowling, now that was fun – I tied first with one of the other ladies. Next door was a museum of vintage cars which I explored also. Railway Square was next on my list – I just love the old historical buildings. Then it was time to locate my accommodation for the night.

Day 4 – Coonabarabran to Orange

One thing I have to say when it comes to staying in Motels….. the walls are way to thin…. from screaming children, snoring, being able to hear the conversations and the couple next door going hard at it. Lack of sleep is bound to happen. With the lack of sleep I’m off to a slow start this morning and planning a way shorter day.

It felt long a long drive today, even though it was probably one of the shortest days i’ve had… open roads with just trees, dirt and plenty of dead animals along the way. Dry country in much need of water. As I get closer to my destination I can feel the change in temperature, the rains falling, gently hitting the windscreen and the heat does actually work in the car. Very excited about that.

Dubbo… I walked the main street of Dubbo, explored the Old Goal, creepy, eerie sensation, I wouldn’t like to be there at night. They had displayed the hangman’s equipment, talked about how people were executed, and the life within the goal; it was horrible.

Moving on to the Shoyoen Japanese Gardens…beautifully done. The fish were amazing, as they reach the surface, expecting a feed, mouths wide open as if they were speaking to you; I’m sure if I had listened closely I may have been able to hear them. The colours of the plants, trees and flowers were amazing – the colours of autumn were all around Dubbo and not just in the garden.

A quick stop at Big W to buy a thicker jumper and some thermal socks. And finally a Chai Latte. Nice and warm, warming my very core.

Onwards to Orange…. the country of wines. As you drive into Orange, the first thing I noticed was the amazing colours of the autumn leaves all around. Oranges, Reds, Yellow and browns – so much colour. I found myself at one of the many Art Gallery’s here in Orange – a little bit of culture never hurt anyone. Some fantastic work and others looked like any child could do it. The use of colour and lines were the main focus of one artist, interesting. The bright oranges, reds and aqua were what drew me in.

Time for some wine tasting, so I headed out towards the mountains, where less than an hour ago it was snowing. So bummed that I missed it – hence the icy cold winds. So I visited this gorgeous winery and did some taste testing , I found only a couple of the wines I actually enjoyed and walked away with a bottle of their Cherry Liquor. Visited the local lake on the way back into the main street to find accommodation for the night.

Day 3 – Kempsey to Coonanbarabran

On my travels I have meet a few different women, who I have been able to share parts of my story with… each one of them has walked away feeling inspired, hopeful and looked forward to the changes that they themselves could make in each of their own lives. That in itself was encouraging to me, as I never saw myself as being an inspiration to others, just by following my own heart and changing my life; completely starting over with nothing other than what I could fit into the hired car. It felt good.

As I journeyed to Port Macquarie at 5.30am I could see the sun on the horizon, it was in different hues of pink, blue and orange, so beautiful. I knew I needed to get to the beach to watch it continue to rise. It was well worth it, as the sky grew brighter and brighter – i got colder and colder, the scarf and beanie came out along with an extra jumper. It was a magnificent view all around, walking up to the lookout watching the waves crush against the rocks below, not sure as to what direction to look as it was breath-taking.

I decided that i would go inland to Tamworth which turned out to be a very long drive. I drove through Wauchope to Walcha – and what a journey that was. It took me through Cottan-Bimbang National Park which was 60km of tortuous bends and curves. There are over four hundred plus bends along this section. The scenery however was spectacular.

Finally arriving in Walcha, I noticed numerous sculptures on the streets, from human forms to a phoenix, and other forms of art. That was the highlight for me in this small town.

At Tamworth I visited the Big Golden Guitar where I had the opportunity to speak to one of the volunteers. She kindly shared her life story with me and how her strength and courage allowed her to leave her abusive husband – Inspirational Women. Through the encouragement of this women I then visited the Australian Country Music Hall of Fame…

I am enjoying every aspect of this journey, the driving, the exploring, meeting new people, singing loudly and rather badly, allowing the wind to blow through my hair (as it is no longer, long enough to get knotty) and the beautiful countryside, which is in much need of rain. The hills and mountains, the open paddocks, horses, cows, sheep, goats and even a few llamas, so much to see and take in. The roadworks however was disappointing as its everywhere, a plague that seems to spread from one state to the next. Frustrating to say the least.

Coonabarabran is one of those smaller towns that turn out to be a surprise, full of little treasures. Crystal Kingdom – a museum of gems and fossils found throughout Australia, some beautiful pieces on display. A great place to end a rather long day, even my fingers are complaining as they begin to swell. Taking a stroll down the main street where I discovered this gorgeous park full of color, some historical buildings, the clock tower and that there were no coffee shops left open (I’m going to have to wait for that chai latte until tomorrow).

Coonabarabran