Family….. or not

My daughter and grandson have moved away to a place far, far, far away – oh the bliss of that reality. Don’t get me wrong I love all of my children and my gorgeous grandson, but living with them for the past 6 months has been utter hell (probably a slight exaggeration)…. the screaming, the whinging, a 5 year old that knows absolutely everything, the drama of nothing to worry about (when someone sees everything as a problem. The only problems are the ones created in their mind), its one of those moments where your mind takes over and only thinks the worst possible scenarios in life and my daughter had them all, so it seems. The negativity was eating me alive.

Even though its been a relaxing and quiet couple of days… I will miss them dearly. My grandson coming into me in the morning giving me a hug (well occasionally) and those times together, those memories.

There were plenty of moments, especially in the mind where it was having one of those screaming, let me out, shut the FK up’s!! How can I escape this craziness of family, they are family…. you need to be there for them, so society tells you.

There was a time where I was there for my children every minute of every day… the joys of being a single parent. You became Mum, Dad and everything else in between, they were my life. I didn’t have much of one where I was without them. So NOW… it is time for me. Let their fathers be there for them (I still will be of course… just not like I used to be).

My Ride With Harley

I am in a casual relationship with Harley….. What is a casual relationship you might say and how the hell do I do casual? ….when my mind is constantly thinking about his…. oh yeah his family jewels, constantly… wanting to wrap my legs around that man every minute of the day. You might be thinking….. she’s a sex addict or just doesn’t have a life. I have considered the latter. However I have come up with a number of crazy mind moments, that in some way have a piece of truth in each scenario:

  1. he’s just to God damn yummy to pass by
  2. I was deprived of great orgasmic sex throughout my adult life and want to play out all of those scenarios… right now.. before I’m way to old to enjoy the pleasures
  3. here’s a negative for you all – i want to get in as much sex with him before he realizes that I’m not good enough to keep around
  4. fear of not having that someone to love me… let’s use sex to keep him interested
  5. I just want to enjoy sex for the first time in my life and experience new things, explore my sexuality (something I have never done, even in the most simplistic of moments)
  6. I want and I want it for me… to enjoy the pleasures that so many others have, he makes me feel safe, comfortable and able to explore those hidden desires but with an all unknowing as to where this casual relationship will go – exploring and opening myself up to be able to explore those deeper moments with someone… WILL be one Hell of a Ride with Harley.

So for now our casual relationship works for us – He allows me to be me, without the judgement, criticism or running me down, no pressure for either of us, we have our own space to be true to ourselves and to experience a deeper level of healing in our own ways.

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A Day Full of Surprises

Today, like most other days i woke… feeling that weight of nothingness (the same old negative thoughts rushing forward to take over my day) …. when I remembered “oh shit”, that van is available for viewing today, better message Harley to see if he’s available to come with me. To my surprise he called… (that just never happens)… I still have that silly goofy grin on my face, I was so excited about actually having a conversation with him over messenger …..oh.oh.oh and…… we had the camera on -ahhh….. technology…. And the photos we took without even knowing we did it… that was the winner of the conversation (just…remembering that ride with Harley..oh yeah… hm-mm – I haven’t posted that blog yet).

Oops..haha… a little sidetracked there… anyway it encouraged me to crawl out of bed and go for a walk (it has nothing to do with the fact that Harley is walking 5km everyday.. not at all). And ..I took my daughters dog, anyone who knows me, knows I don’t do dog very well. We had a great walk… she pulled me along just fine; kangaroo chasing however, is just not my style, so the battle began between dog and myself. I was pulled and tugged in a different direction every few moments….as she proceeded toward chasing every kangaroo she saw… and I have to say this morning there were a lot. We eventually made it home, she’s still in one piece and on the lead…. My arm and shoulder are another story to be told. In slight pain; however I’m still able to type.. so all is well. Not sure who won that battle?

My day is proceeding splendidly… induction booked for volunteering, a friend called to say ‘Hi’, dogs asleep, children out, music blaring, fruit cut and blended.. I tend to forget to eat… I get so busy with what I’m doing that eating just doesn’t seem that important.

Lets fast forward a few hours…….. I’m on cloud nine for most of the day…’s a bit of a blur truth be told. Disappointment sunk in when Harley said he was unable to view this van with me… but all good. I picked up that bottom lip and pushed through, and to my surprise he phoned while I was still there; making sure I checked particular things… he’s sooooo….. sweet(I probably shouldn’t tell him that though). The van belongs to a young couple from Belgium about to end their 12 month journey around Australia, they seemed sad to go and as for the van; unfortunately it had oil in the radiator. So a no go there….I will keep on looking.

My day ended with two 1hour phone calls. I can’t say that happens very often. Phone call no. 1 – there is excitement rushing through my body, (one area in particular) and I still have that goofy look on my face… just as well he can’t couldn’t see it. Harley is definitely full of surprises today, a conversation full of many different things (I would share, only its not mine to share), ending in desire and anticipation for Friday Night. Bring on Friday.

Phone call no. 2 – All the way from the UK – One of my soul sisters, in distress – she’s been working hard on releasing what no longer serves her. I am extremely proud of the work she has accomplished in the last 24hours. She is one amazing women, with the strength and determination not to let the situations of past or present events dictate her life in the now. She is on the path of empowering the Warrior Goddess within.

The Journey Begins

Wow… I’m finally here, and ….I’m ready to start my Blog.

My blog will be about my journey in this life, the challenges, the laughter, the broken moments, the rising, the joy, the healing processes, the ‘SCREAMING’ (from within, where no one can hear you), my relationships, my family & friends (names changed of course to protect those around me), my moments of utter despair, my lowest points, the new experiences, the traveling, my crazy mind (what we tell ourselves, the untruths that we chose to believe that create havoc in our lives) and how I moved past some of the darkest moments of my existence. There will be present moments and moments of re-visiting the past, wherever I am guided to go… I will go.

I will write and share my experiences with an open-heart and allow myself to participate in an honesty like never before (those moments; where you don’t want to admit to yourself, or to see the truth that is so SLAP BANG in your face…. that you could stumble over it) .

But… as I journey through I will always be like that PHOENIX, rising from the ashes of my past, spreading my wings and taking flight over and over again, taking every lesson and learning experiences to reach a higher level of ‘ME’, a direction towards self-care, self-love and nurturing that little child within.