A Day Before My Road Trip

Wow what a Thursday it’s been – I was up and out of the door at 7am. My journey to the Sunshine Coast was rather smooth, not too much traffic, a bright sunshiny day and all is well. I met some friends (all of which I’d like to say are a part of my soul family) at my favorite café in Landsborough – Henry & Co. Hugs all around, great company and time to leave…… time to say goodbye. Little emotion going around however no tears… so that’s fabulous, no wiping the mascara off that may have provided the look of a couple of black eyes.

Next I head to Burpengary to drop off my car- it’s time to say goodbye. She did me a great service over the last 4 years, she saw me cry many a time, laugh, scream and then there were my moments of frustration and calm. For a car that cost me $200, she was a real blessing. A little sad to see her go.

Time to pick up my rental – this is where the fun begins – 12noon was my pick-up time, only the car was not ready, wasn’t even in the system, so some phone calls and yelling from the receptionist its ready to go. To my surprise in was a little hatchback, a Getz (I thought I was picking up a sedan of some sort), so I hop into the car…freak a manual (I haven’t driven one of those in almost 20 years) and the smell…. Oh my God, it’s horrible, not good; smells like someone released all they had in their stomach – vomit. Oh really, so the car …is a little disappointing. Oh but wait it only gets better….. So I slowly drive off, with a few little hiccups trying to adjust to a clutch, wow a manual. Oh I forgot to tell you – it’s on empty. Hahaha….. Oh my goodness. Waiting at the lights, about to take off and the cars not moving, OK it’s not in gear, so we put it in first and keep going only to have the little hatchback to slip out of gear as I’m driving and here I thought I forgot to put it into gear, Nope.. It’s slipping as I drive and to top it all of…. The radio does not work!!!!! Nor does the air conditioner or cigarette lighter (guess I’m not plugging in a charger anytime soon).

However, I’m still grateful for this little car that is going to get me to where I need to go – Melbourne. And that it’s not costing me a cent (to which I now understand completely as to why!)

My next stop…. Optometrist. In October before leaving the Sunshine Coast I decided it was time to get my eyes checked. I picked up my glasses; however something was not quite right. You see when I put on my sunnies; I felt like I was standing extremely high, and when I took a step, I missed the step. My reading glasses I couldn’t even see the computer screen clearly; I had to move in closer. So I decided I needed to go back to see my Optometrist of 20 years. And sure enough the prescription was too strong. It seems my right eye doesn’t want to cooperate with my left, it needs a little retraining. So…. new script on its way.

Beaudesert… my next appointment with my job search provider, running a little behind time, however all is running smoothly. Now Rachel has been absolutely fantastic…. With fuel cards in my hand, and awaiting approval for accommodation and food expenses, I’m making my way home to find some way of removing the stink from the car. I found an upholstery cleaner I had sitting around, so I sprayed… everything within the car. Now it’s a waiting game till morning. Fingers crossed; otherwise my essential oils will be unpacked and used extensively.

Dad has just left to pick my mother up to come for dinner… oh yeah. She’s emotional, sad, and everything I don’t want to be around right now, I want to enjoy the moments of happiness and excitement of stepping into something unknown and new. I would once feel guilty over her reaction and her emotions, taking the responsibility as my own, but now… freak that… she can have her shit all to herself. I am not responsible for her emotional upheaval, or reactions or anybody else’s. I am only responsible for my own.

7pm and I’m ready for bed, nodding off at the table is a big give-away that I’m a little tired. Still lots to do, however tomorrow is just around the corner, so I leave anything else for then. So today I will pack up the car (taking less than I anticipated to) and begin my journey to Melbourne. Byron Bay will be my first stop.

A New Journey for Me

What a journey it has been over the last couple of weeks. As you may recall I flew to Melbourne last month for a second job interview……. Well…… ‘I GOT THE JOB’, so now; there’s a new journey that begins.

I delayed telling my family, as I wanted to soak up the positive feelings and allow myself to acknowledge the huge change about to take place, the accomplishment and impact of this move. HUGE! I’m moving to Melbourne……. Excited to say the least; a little hesitant, overwhelmed by the enormity of this move and just how it will effect my life. One I have been searching, believing and hoping for; for a very long time. It’s finally here and it’s up to me to follow through and live a life I’ve always desired to have. I can be a new version of me.

I am moving forward into a new adventure, a new creation of me. I am so looking forward to this new beginning. It has been a somewhat ….. smooth transition for me, no freaking out, and no second guessing, keeping my mind focused on the NOW and not too far into the future. Focusing on what has to be done now… I’m still at BP for a couple more days – training my replacement (my brother), packing and repacking, removing the old – preparing for the new. I am leaving here with very little belongings – I decided it was time for a fresh start, no longer in need to carry around with me any baggage from the past. I have allowed myself to release the luggage I’ve been carrying around with me for some 40 years. My belongings now fit into the boot of a car. This in itself was an accomplishment, one I’m not quite sure how I achieved, however it feels fantastic.

I’ve been looking for a transfer car to travel in, as my $200 car won’t make the trip (another of my assets going), it’s been hard to know who to trust on the web, and the hidden costs they don’t tell you up front and so on. I am determined to have my travel buddy booked by the end of the day(a vehicle booked and waiting for confirmation, unfortunately it was not the van Ii had hoped for but a sedan; guess I’m sleeping on the back seat). A new hairdo (i got my hair cut off to my shoulders), my wardrobe reduced to a ¼ of what I had, cancelling, suspending accounts, trips to the op shops (saying goodbye to what I no longer need), appointments – eyes, naturopath, access consciousness session, and saying good bye to those who have been a part of past and now preparing for a road trip to Melbourne.

Emotionally…… I’m ready for this, no regrets, no doubts, just a knowing that this is my opportunity to have more, to have my dreams fulfilled, no sadness of leaving anyone behind, my children see me moving as an opportunity to visit Melbourne (my grandsons first flight…ha-ha), no sense of missing anything or anyone, I am only responsible for me and my life. I can truly say for the first time in my life I am carrying no one else’s burdens, concerns or shit. It is truly just about me. My life is MINE! No responsibilities except to myself! It feels bloody fantastic.

I leave on Friday (4 more sleeps), I will take 5-6 days to travel to Melbourne, taking my time, reflecting and releasing anything that may surface along the way. Finding that freedom within me, having the music loud as I journey, singing like no one is watching, stopping and exploring parts of Australia I am yet to discover. Enjoying the life I am living (a great big sigh). So please …. feel free to follow my journey as I go, I will be posting pictures and blogging along the way, sharing my adventures. Here’s to a new journey.

Loving……Herself

I know of this beautiful soul, she loves deeply, she doesn’t trust easily, she devalues her worth, often lacks in self-love, confidence and self-esteem, wears her heart on her sleeve and has been hurt too many times to count, often believes and trusts in the wrong people, as she sees the good in all around – These are just some of the beliefs that were created and forged from a very young age.

Lets take a look – It all started at the moment of conception, right there in the womb – where her mother did not want her, followed by the loss of her Grandfather, one she cherished and loved dearly. Only for him to be taken away in an ambulance never to been seen again. (the only one she felt ever loved her). Then there was the Uncle who got a bit touchy, feely and all of this was before the age of 7.

Her family moved to Australia when she was 8 years old….. in her mind – she was torn away from her friends and life as she knew it. Making friends did not come easy to her, she was extremely shy and vulnerable in many ways. Life was not a journey of discovery, it was something to be feared, people were to be feared and trust was not in her vocabulary of understanding.

Then in primary school, something changed, she meet this young boy – they connected in a way she never had before, both extremely shy, so very little words were spoken, it was all in the looks and stolen touches. He had a gentle soul and cared without condition. Her first love…… trust and hope began to grow within her, she saw love through the eyes of an innocent child – pure; pure of heart is what it was.

Then the shocking revelation of high school happened and this young boy disappeared from her life (just as her grandfather had), nowhere to be seen or found throughout the years. However he did leave a mark on her life, one she carried throughout all of her relationships. One in which no one could compete with, no one could live up to the standards she had set, she could not find what she was looking for…. that pure innocent love of a child. That now feels like it only existed within a dream….. it was all there; in that one moment.

It left her feeling crushed to say the least, it reinforced within her mind – love=abandonment, love=unworthiness, love=heartache. Her past had forged her path in life, of a lonely existence, never finding that love she so much desired, no one could fill that hole within her heart and soul. Through many relationships and disappointments, she knew life had to change, so here is where we jump forward 20+ years.

Her journey of a new way began, seeing life and its experiences as lessons learnt, growing took place and she moved forward, leaving the story behind her. The anger, hurt and disappointment replaced with those dreams of more, a future yet to be forged, created and accomplished as she chooses. Taking value in who she is, knowing her worth and believing that life can be and will be all she could ever dream of. Loving herself the way she always expected others too, looking after her by doing what makes her happy, bringing joy and laughter into her own life. Being responsible for herself!

And still a new journey begins….. where will this next chapter take her.

Meeting the locals

Here’s another blog i begun a few months ago… its time to finish up with some of the old.. to allow the new to come forth…

Friday night i fought with myself whether to go out or not… as i have shut myself off from the world over the last year, socializing only when i needed to. So trying to get back out there can be a little scary. So i made a decision and just …. did it. I went to the local pub for dinner.

I ordered my meal, grabbed a beer and found somewhere to sit, it seemed all the tables were taken; a full house, so i pulled up a bar stool and sat there. Higher than everyone else… where everyone could see me – full visual, as i was facing out towards them all. I felt like i was on display for all to see, an object in the shop window, uncomfortable, fidgeting, felt like everyone was watching me.. (slightly exaggerated in my mind, not everyone, just some). So i sat there enjoyed my meal and beer – something for my hands and mind to focus on and of course the cricket on TV (i dislike cricket, but there was no where else to look).

I man approached me, introduced himself and asked me questions, name, am i local, what do i do, etc…… so uncomfortable as i was not there to be picked up by someone, there to meet people yes….. So i continued to sit, watch the different groups and the dynamics, most were local, a table of 4 men from Gold Coast… there on a golfing weekend, interesting to listen as they got more and more intoxicated. hahahah… and then they started to sing… Oh boy!

As i sat watching and waiting for karaoke to start (not that i was joining in on that) a lady approaches and asked if I’m on my own… i just stared at her, didn’t say anything at first (she probably thought i was mentally challenged or something)….. as she asked me to join her and her friends. I suppose I’d been sitting there for well over an hour and no one really paid any attention. So i took my stunned mullet look over to their table.

Sat there like an idiot, that lost little child way out of her comfort zone – but they all welcomed me in, asked me a lot of questions. Accepted by people who knew nothing about me, no judgement, just acceptance. Didn’t try to change me, offered to buy me drinks, a couple of job offers, and friendship, inviting me to join them next fortnight. Wow… a few times tears were sitting there ready to fall. I hadn’t felt this much acceptance in a long time. I am a local… new and fresh blood, but a local being welcomed in to the fold. Observing the friendships, relationships and bonds they all had with one another…… something that is very hard to find. Something that i want!

So i took myself out of my comfort zone and decided to enjoy the rest of the night with my new found friends….. enjoying the laughter, the singing, the bantering, the conversation and welcomed in the new…..

Boundaries

Here is a blog that I started some … 2-3 months ago, so I decided that it was time to complete it, as life continues to move forward; with family on the occasion still choosing to interfere in my life. FAMILY… ohhhhhh!

It’s a beautiful sun shiny day outside… and i was inside walking around in my underwear, (as you do when you think no one is looking) i had no need to get dressed, as i wasn’t planning on going anywhere or expecting any visitors.. so here i am strolling around the house without a care when a freaking car pulls up in my driveway.. damn! My bloody father is here…. Look i know its his place and all; however a little freaking respect would be nice. A phone call to say you’re coming over with family in tow. I like my privacy and if i want to walk around the house or property in my underwear i should be able to. So he pulls up and I’m running around the freaking house like a idiot looking for a pair of shorts to throw on.

Disappointment… big time as I was looking forward to a day without people in my energy. Just me and mother nature -my bird friends and the the wind blowing through the house, cooling down the already warm day.

I’m in pain, feel tired and restricted by my own freaking mind craziness of what the freaking hell am i going to do today. So here i am writing, not sure what I’m going to write about.

Looks LIKE ITS ABOUT BOUNDARIES…….And how my family lack in showing me some respect. Dad just turns up whenever he feels like and Mum doesn’t know when to back the freak off – you don’t phone my friends to see where I am or how I’m doing, if i wanted you to know i would contact you, talk to you or even tell you. You jeopardized my friendship and put them in an awkward position.. how dare you do that, sort your own freaking life out would you and leave mine along. You have no right to interfere.


Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.”

Wikipedia

Yes its all good to have those boundaries in place, however if you do not actually let people know what your boundaries are, it will cause you stress or some other problem. So speak up and allow others to know just what your boundaries are, and eliminate the extra stress that did not need to happen… And setting those boundaries is a great way of to care for yourself, it doesn’t make you mean, selfish or uncaring, its about whats right for you in your life… So ask yourself:

  • What is right for you?
  • What values do you have?
  • Do you lack boundaries in your life? Why?
    • Loss of self, always allowed others to dictate your life goals
  • What would you like to change today in your life?
  • What boundaries do you wish to set for a better self care?

Boundaries are healthy, normal and necessary. Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are the gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your garden.

Life is but a Journey..

Life is but a journey…….. I have been unsocial when it comes to social media lately, took myself away from the drama and negative, the pulling of unhealthy patterns. So, over the last few months I have experienced so much change within myself. Becoming stronger, experiencing life, and journeying, choosing to experience things I have put off for years, due to lack in one way or another.

First, I went and made a Native American Healing drum.. so excited to finally have my very own drum. Oh the beautiful sound that it makes- touches the soul, my soul, my own personal healing vibration. So much healing took place during that workshop. An experience I would do again, the people I met and some of which I reconnected with. So many blessed, unique souls all in one place. A beautiful day I’ll always remember and a unique healing drum all of my own; to sooth my soul.

Then, I finally got my second tattoo,(I’ve waited about 20years for this)a Phoenix, on my right shoulder. The tattooist did a wonderful job, his gentle but painful touch worked its magic to create a piece of art on my skin that I’ll treasure forever. A symbol of my journey, my healing, my growth and my movement forward, rising out of those ashes, leaving behind what no longer serves me, a reminder that I am a new better version of me. Stronger to had experienced the hurts, disappointments, traumas and life in general. Only to recreate ME. This journey will continue each and every day as I rediscover that things I once knew, liked and even disliked are no longer the same. I AM no longer the same. I am enjoying this new part of me, rediscovering who I am, who I choose to be, challenging myself to reach higher, believe for more, having faith and trusting in myself and the universe to reach these goals and so much more. Of course some days are still a struggle, but every tomorrow is a new day, a chance to begin over……..

After the tattoo, I decided it was time to go and seek out a Naturopath to sort my health issues out. I was lead to a beautiful soul, she was not just a naturopath but a Kinesiologist also, what a fantastic combination. A great first session and a detox begun. I am excited for this journey of better health. Gut issues were causing so many problems throughout my body: Hormones, thyroid, interrupted periods, kidney and liver, general feeling of being unwell, constantly bloated and in pain of some sort throughout the body. I look forward to a better and new me physically – internally and externally.

Next, I hopped on a plane and flew to Melbourne for a job interview(it was a 2nd interview with this company)…. what was I thinking (ran through my head for days before, while I was down there and even once I’d returned)…. however, it felt right, it felt new…. could this be the next part of my journey? While I wait, I’m packing, rearranging my affairs and putting things in place as if I am moving to Melbourne. It just feels right. A waiting game as the end of the week draws near, waiting with anticipation for the results that could change my life dramatically. I am looking forward to this move.

While in Melbourne I stayed with family. A family I didn’t know very well as they only came into my life about 15years ago, just before my Grandfather passed away (you see, he left when i was young, and had another family and they moved from NZ to Australia. My mum later found him and we were lucky enough to see him again before he passed. And meet this new family). My Aunt and Uncle welcomed me with open arms, inviting me into their home as family. I felt welcomed, loved and a part of their world. Dinner at Mosaic’s where their friends meet and music played, my Aunt sang a couple of beautiful songs (which she whispered that they were dedicated to me, I held back my tears, joyful tears, acceptance, loved and a part of something new for me).

SO now, as I sit here ,waiting to hear the outcome of my interview, I keep myself busy, distracting myself of the negative that my body once knew, focusing on creating my next mandala set for the shop in Montville and waiting for the mechanic to arrive to fix my back brakes, packing, deciding what I will and will not take with me, blogging (it feels good to blog again) and enjoying my beautiful views of the Hinterland that surrounds me. I look forward to the next part of my journey; wherever that may be.

My Walk….

Well… I have started walking…..again. A friend of mine stayed for a couple of days and she’s been walking everyday for a few months. So we got up nice and early to walk to the ridge that we can see from the back of my home. Well the first two days with her seemed rather easy… a slower pace was happening. Which was great! We meet plenty of dogs along the way, most were friendly – you know their bark worse than their bite type of scenarios. Except for this one mother freakin pit-bull, who was foaming at the mouth and chewing on the fence trying to get at us. That freaked us out…. Anyway on day two we made it to the ridge – 7.2km, 11,000 steps and 1hour and 50mins later we were home. We had completed our goal – extremely proud of ourselves.

Well it has been a week since she left and this is the first day i pushed myself out of the bed…. the sun was rising, the clouds dark and all was still in the world. Well guess what? That bloody pit-bull (named Diesel of all things) was sitting there waiting for me to walk past. My nerves racing, heartbeat escalating, and i kept my head down and moved as fast as i could past that little sucker. He stopped barking, growling and calmed right down before i even got to the end of that property. I was able to breathe once again. All of the other dogs were no where to be seen.

Then there is that hill, which seems more like a mountain us you approach and start walking up the steep climb…. stopping 2,3 or maybe even 4 times as i struggle for breath, how did i not stop the first time with my friend (must have been the steadier pace we had going), anyway i made it to the top. Taking that deep breathe and looking out across the vastness of mountains in the distance, the beauty of the land where i live, is breath-taking, especially as the sun rises. The colours – orange, blue, the brightness of that first light is absolutely amazing.

As i continued.. (my goal is to knock at least 1/2hour of my time) kangaroos, wallabies and birds are everywhere this morning. The kangaroos stop to look and stare as i walk past, probably wondering what the hell I’m doing – as I am speaking to them all as i go by wishing them a great day, the wallabies not so inquisitive as they quickly jump away. The birds are happily chirping away singing there own tunes and i like to think that they are singing a song just for me. Why not!

I finally make it to the half way make 3.6km at 45mins, and as i look out to the beauty of mother nature, I am grateful. It is stunning, the freshness in the air and the rain begins to gently fall, bringing a new life to everything around, absolutely amazing. It gets me thinking about my own life as i watch the birds enjoying that first rain after so long. Me stepping out of the burdens, the hurt and the releasing that i have been doing for months, i was able to finally see something more for myself, the hope, the new journey, and the beginnings i am yet to experience. Through that moment of clarification i started my journey home. It seems that every other dog in this street has woken up. A couple of Labradors let me know they were there, then the house where the exercise coach lives with 4 large but seemly gently dogs were very much awake and fortunately for me their focus was on the lady walking her little dog. And during all of this the not so large hills seemed larger than i remember walking down them, i got to feel those muscles working hard and the lungs breathing deeply and as i approached Diesel, it seemed my prayers were answered, he was no where to be seen.

The rain getting heavier as i get closer to home. It was so refreshing and invigorating as i allowed my arms to stretch out and raise my head to meet every drop as it landed upon my face, trusting it to wash away any lasting pain that was buried deep within my heart and soul. Believing for experiences and a new day of love, joy and happiness.

Well i made it home and beat my original time by 1/2hour… Heehaw. I completed a 7.3km walk, 10,500 steps in 1hour and 30mins. I am extremely proud of myself accomplishing this goal, as it meant more; than just the walking. I saw it as a new beginning for myself, hope in a new future with opportunities coming my way in abundance. Showing gratitude to mother earth and for all that i have and yet to have. Lets see if i can do this all again tomorrow or whether i do some body grooving. This would have to be the first day in what seems like a lifetime that I feel i can and i am ready to breath again with ease.