Reading though my journal this morning…. I realized just how much I had allowed someone to take over my thoughts, my life, my decisions and dictate the direction in which I go (not physically, it was all in my mind; I created something that wasn’t real) . I wasn’t seeing it, I was choosing to ignore what my soul was already trying to tell me , I wanted to be accepted by this person in any way possible (that included me waiting around for him to be ready or having those sexual encounters with him). Only I don’t believe he’ll ever be ready – I was connected on a soul level, yet this person was not. The soul wrenching emotion of never knowing that deep connection with someone on the same soul level. Always one sided….. been pushed away, then pulled back in; to only feel that soul been ripped apart all over again. The falsity, the delusion within my mind, created months worth of heartache, disappointment, and delays within my own growth, my own movement forward. Waiting, hoping, expecting; listening to the opinions of those around me – “I see you here”, just wait don’t give up just yet, things will change – yes maybe things will change and he’ll heal enough to except someone else into his life, but me waiting – to what extent of damage done to my very own heart, soul and journey forward?
There is nothing I can do to help him release the hurt from past relationships, or the burdens he’s left to carry. I am not responsible for his feelings or his life, I am only responsible for my own emotions, responses and my life. It’s been a hard journey and one hard lesson to learn – and I kept going back over and over again. I was willing to be there for this man, to love him for who he is and where he was at, encouraging his journey forward, no matter what challenges may have come up. I would have been his rock, his shoulder to lean on and his partner – side by side, I wasn’t looking for a knight in shining armor, or someone to save me, but someone to walk beside me to share our lives journey; whatever it may have been or wherever it may had lead us to.
Over the last 4 months I have felt so many different emotions: anger (huge and very dominate in this journey), rejection (he became a trigger for past relationships and experiences), fear (so many things I fear- being alone, never been truly loved in this life time, never being able to love another on that deep soul connection, all before my time is up on this earth plain, just to name a few… haha – I know some of you can relate to this), hatred for myself, self-loathing, hated everything and everyone around me at some point, no longer wishing to be a part of this world – begging to be taken home.
You see it wasn’t just about him, he was a trigger in my life, bringing up past events and experiences, that I either hadn’t dealt with or had only touched the surface. My Grandfather dying when I was young – I felt he was my only source of love and connection; so once he was gone I had nobody (my parents were there, only the connection didn’t seem to be), being sexually abused by an uncle – trust not, stay hidden, keep those secrets, don’t speak of this, sexual desires and needs never been met throughout my adult relationships, then that brings me to past sexual relationships – the failures, the dysfunction, bad choices, a doormat, control, manipulation, abuse, and of course low to no self worth, self confidence or self-love. So it has been a rather challenging journey, one that I am still healing from and still discovering who I am, what I like, what I want, setting new goals and plans for my future (one I am still unable to currently see).
Feelings of having absolutely nothing, moving – friends and clients are all 3hours north- so no business (have to start all over again), my belongings – I have given almost everything away, no clients = financial struggle and the belief of not being able to get back on my feet – to move forward. Where do I go from here? Rebuild my businesses, look for work elsewhere or flounder in the worlds between reality and spiritual. It is so much nicer on the other plain, I don’t have to look at the reality of this world around me and its flaws, its destruction, its hurt, its pain, the manipulation and the downfall of mankind as we know it.
However, I will continue to wake each morning, setting myself daily goals until I can see my big picture, my plan, my journey and that one place to plant my feet, my grounding, my own place of happiness, joy and self-love. Attempting to live each day in the moment, releasing and healing the past, creating my masterpiece: ‘ME’.