When I began blogging I wanted to write my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered, uncensored. It was going to be my way of releasing those thoughts I could not verbally speak, the crazy dramatic thoughts the mind creates, the self-moralizing thoughts we all tend to have at one time or another. I wanted to share my adventures, my journey to a new beginning, new discoveries – not only about my new surroundings but the changes within me. To hopefully encourage someone else out there who themselves were struggling, only somewhere along the way I had forgotten this, doubt poured through my body and I stopped believing in me.
There were a couple of blogs where
I wrote my truth, my experiences in a situation with someone I had met, ( I found
myself filtering what I was writing knowing there was a possibility he may read
it). Even with me filtering my thoughts, he made life difficult (as we worked
together), making inappropriate comments and gestures while at work (and he was
trying to convince me to go out with him…Hahaha that will win me over for
sure..NOT). If I had not known the emotional trauma behind his behaviour I
could have chosen to have him up on sexual harassment in the workplace. But I was
trying to be that martyr and help him, only his true colours eventually started
showing up in other areas within the work place and he was asked to leave.
Through this situation, I kept
finding myself as that little child, scared and broken hiding in the corner of
my darkness, wanting someone to save me, the fear of being left behind, not
loved or wanted. This man kept telling me he only wanted to look after me, with
his words and bullying I became someone I no longer recognised, I allowed his
words to become doubt within my mind, a part of me wanted to give in to those
words, to have someone look after me. I felt tired of the struggle, of the barriers
I’d put up around me, only letting people part way in, my fear stronger in
those moments… not opening myself up to be loved, not trusting those who choose
Through this experience I realised
and acknowledged that perhaps there were …things still within my shadows, lurking about waiting
to come forth for me to …..”Let go”, so here I am participating in one of my
intentions of writing my truth, my thoughts, my emotions – unfiltered and uncensored.
There may be still a little way for me to get completely to that point again, but I’m choosing to begin here, today.
In this job I am learning to ……..stop, listen and actually
hear their stories before jumping to any conclusions about who that person may
or may not be. Learning to discern the truth from lies, their fabricated
extensions of their reality, their journey into the unknown destiny of their
life, a waiting game that plays tricks with their mind. Mental health –
Depression, stress heavily abides over the centre of all who are held within
this moment of time….. Frozen; in a never-ending nightmare.
Emotions are high, energy is heavy, and morale is at its
lowest. It would be easy to allow the
energetic weight of the mental torment that they endure; weigh on your
shoulders. Weighing, your own mind; to overflowing with the negative; pulling
you down into the depth of their sorrow.
Their sorrow , their anguish, their inner battle of not
seeing family, friends, of not being able to live their life as they intended,
of experiencing so much more than what they currently endure. They share their
stories, their experiences, some more heartbreaking than the next. Compassion –
for each as they share, as they remember what life use to be. Very few; live with a dream, of it ever being
anything more. Stuck to live their lives without ………hope.
Lost in the abyss of in-between two realities; one in which they desire for and the other …absoluteness – being loosened of the constraints that currently hold them to a life of solitude from the outside world, being independent, to think for themselves, being unrestricted in how they choose to live their life, unlimited to explore the life they missed without conditions keeping them imprisoned.
This is the reality of the majority of those I work with daily. It’s not easy keeping my own morale up… being that bright shining light in the darkness when there is so much negative crashing down all around me. Keeping that smile on my face, listening without showing too much emotion, not becoming involved or caught up with their anguish, remaining neutral when all I want to do is give some of these lost, distraught souls a great big hug and tell them to hung in there, it’s all going to be OK. However, for some in may never change, they may always be stuck in a world of unforgiving events and situations. For others it’s their minds that are keeping them entrapped to a life of hatred, unforgiveness and solitude; as they remain stuck in their sorrow.
I can’t believe it’s been two months (another Blog written in July) already and what an interesting time it has been. A few challenges along the way with work and my personal …emotional state, of dealing with each situation as they came up.
That uninvited kiss – well he continued to push, he wanted me to be reliant on him, stating that he only wanted to look after me. Only his behaviour and words triggered things within me to the point where I didn’t like who I was – doubting myself, allowing my confidence to waiver. He wanted to control ……That’s not what I wanted or needed; another control freak. He is not currently in my life anymore and that is such a relief. I am able to go about my job without being sexually harassed. He was a broken man, not willing to look at himself or take responsibility for anything.
Stalker – an interim order is in place and last I heard he announced to everyone that he was moving to Melbourne to be with me- he flew down a week or two ago. Haven’t heard as to his whereabouts. He is currently on ice in my freezer.
Work – challenges from day to day
My job is to call a code when something happens and
assistance is required immediately. Well on this particular day, I had no ear
piece and the officer with me was too busy talking to me with his back to the
threat. I politely informed him he needed to attend the conflict happening behind
him and knowing there were two other officers outside the door… I took off
running to inform them. Only on camera it looks like I’m fleeing the situation
all together. The code was called and assistance was there in moments to deal
with the situation at hand.
How things can be misinterpreted… especially when you don’t see the whole picture. So I was known as the girl who runs …. Just what I needed, however it was soon forgotten as the next situation became more interesting to talk about.
Here is a blog I started back in July… I finally got around
to finishing it.
I have this one friend who I’ve known for at least 10 years
if not more, we started off working together – he was my best friend, then
circumstances lead us both in a different direction and we lost contact. Until
recently that is and I can say it’s been a whirlwind with him back in my life.
However, I wouldn’t have it any other way,
He has taken it upon himself to keep me in check…. If he
reads a post that’s a bit concerning he’s on the phone to me:
To kick my arse
To check if I’m OK (with some arse kicking of course)
Some great amounts of wisdom behind the madness that is him
A shoulder to lean on
And the advice he can offer to me when it comes to my new found job
A couple of weeks ago… I posted two blogs detailing my
journey into the new job, my emotional journey that is and the struggles of
those first few weeks, experiencing the new job, the new location, not having a
vehicle and so on.
Well that very same day I received a couple of text
“You are on this path for a reason, Welcome to chaos… Embrace it. Any problems or questions about the job you are doing call me… call me back”
Then another message… “Don’t make me fly to Melbourne”
So I call him back… and I have not laughed so much in a long
It’s was a gentle reminder that no matter how far away I am
from my support system, family and friends, some in particular still have my
back and will go out of their way to still be a part of my life, while others
have ………..simply slipped away not to be heard from again. And I’m good with
that – they no longer serve a purpose in my life or me, in their life.
So to this man of ‘Chaos’, I am extremely grateful to you for being that gentle… well somewhat forceful reminder in my life that I do have people around me that I can lean on.
Here is a blog I started last week
as I was going through the emotions of events happening around me:
We pretend (a line out of one of Pinks songs); Well I know that’s exactly as I’m living my life at the moment, pretending. Pretending – that I’m not falling apart from the inside out, as I allow the behaviour of one very misguided man dictate how I choose to live my life. My body is constantly in fight or flight mode. I’m not sleeping and when I do the nightmares slip in……that he finds me, he knows where I am, I can feel his eyes watching my every movement, looking over my shoulder, not knowing where or when he will appear right in front of me.
I’m allowing this man to control my life and he’s still in bloody
Queensland…. I need to take back my power and live, not to live in fear. Fear
feeds his energy in my life and I do not want that. I have travelled too far in
my life’s journey to allow this arseholes energy to take over my life. WTF am I
I know how to do this! TAKE BACK YOUR CONTROL GIRL… BE THAT
WARRIOR GODDESS who does not need to look over her shoulder, who lives that
life she’s always wanted, who allows fear to slip on by – not even leaving a
mark on her armour. Find your inner strength again sweetheart …. “FOR YOU HAVE
GOT THIS!” Do not feed the negative energy! Do not own it! Do not allow someone else’s
actions to control your reactions. STAND TALL AND STRONG…… AND LIVE! Live in the power of strength, bring that
strength up from your core, breathe in love, take your power from the nature
around you, draw on mother earth’s energy, meditate and find your inner
strength. YOU HAVE GOT THIS!
Do not blame him or yourself for these actions but focus on
the healing, forgiving his sorry freaking arse! I’m angry at myself for
allowing him to take up too much time in my mind, angry at him for the
behaviour. I feel empathic towards him and sadness …. There is a feeling of
hopelessness around him, someone who has been let down again and again losing
all sense of reality around him. The need to create a relationship that is not
real, only it’s very real to him, in desperation of wanting to be loved, to
love and the lines of reality were crossed, no longer able to see the truth as
it’s blurred beyond this world’s reality (these are my own feelings and
viewpoints concerning him, his truth may be very different).
So I am going to go out there today and live my life, finish today’s training and be strong for it, not giving this man a thought (as tears run down my face, not quite believing that I am able to accomplish this – to push the fear aside and just be. It may take a few more days to reach that thought process).
I’m glad to say that my day was fantastic as the training
involved defensive moves and first aid; I left feeling empowered, I felt like –
the real me; probably for the first time since starting my new job. It was
awesome, invigorating and strengthening to my inner self.
We are now at the end of the week and my emotions have been up and down, a fabulous roller coaster ride it has been as I’ve worked through each of these. I’ve started holistic work again (a new segment created at work to allow me to work with what I know); it was absolutely amazing to be doing what I love and know; the connection with spirit as I worked with others. It brought joy back into my life. And there is now an interim order in place for the other issue. The relief I felt as the judge agreed that an order needed to be in place. That breath that I hadn’t been aware that I was holding – released……oooohhhhh
I will continue on this journey of STANDING IN MY POWER, some days may have challenges and diversions, but I will continue to grow, heal and release the old to strength my inner core, my inner goddess to one day – to be able to Stand in My Power without waiving or taking on anybody else’s crap.
I chose to not answer my phone, read any text messages or
listen to the voices in my head.
Instead I chose to write two blogs (where I realised that I
had been allowing someone I had recently met dictate my behaviour and how I saw
myself), meditated and did some exploring around Melbourne.
Now let’s dissect that last sentence:
The two blogs:
Before writing them I had been left feeling confused, unsure
as to what I was doing, and I started to believe that maybe, just maybe I did need a man around me in my life, to
have that someone who wanted to look after me, to want to help me. I know he
had only good intentions at heart when he said; ’he only wanted to look after
me’. However the implications for ………MYSELF were momentous. I returned back to being
that sacred little girl, who feared life in general, who always wanted someone
to look after her, only to be left disappointed and heartbroken every time. I
struggled with this inner conflict of what once was and who I wanted and choose
to become – each contradicted the other, hence the turmoil within my heart. I
became; this women that no longer believed in the choices she had recently
made, her self-confidence began to wavier, her thoughts turning to the
negative, she was once again that little girl who cried out for touch, for
love, for connection. I didn’t like who I was when with this beautiful soul –
that little girl who couldn’t help herself. His actions triggered a negative
pattern/ behaviour within me, closing myself off to the outside world, hiding
in a corner as I did as a child, protecting myself from the world that I only
saw as dangerous and something to fear.
At that moment of realisation, I chose ME! I had moved to
Melbourne for me, so I could discover who I wanted to be, (not to fall back
into old habits) who did I choose to be! And the only way I know how to do this
– is to be on my own, sharing moments with new friends, experiencing and
exploring Melbourne. Everything about Melbourne screams at me to find all of
those hidden unique locations, those places that leave a special memory, that
touch your heart, to allow your own inner freedom to expand to overflowing
where your put your total trust in the universe. Freedom! The excitement of
discovering what you like, of experiencing that something new, and being able
to just take your time to discover the new …….YOU!
Allowing myself to be vulnerable in those moments is part of
the excitement. Finding what makes my own Inner Child happy, to bring out the playfulness, the childlike
qualities, seeing the eyes open wide, the smile on her face and the excitement
play forth as she jumps up and down with glee, with wonder. As everything is
new and fresh, yet to be discovered or experienced. Empowering myself to be in
the now – the very moment of experiencing every second and every connection
with the world around me; using all of my senses to get the full experience of
each delicious moment. Closing your eyes and allowing your senses to take over
to the sounds, tastes, smells, sensations and sights.
I did exactly that as I took myself to West Melbourne for
the day. I started at Queen Victoria Markets where I enjoyed the sounds of
music…street music. The aromas of different foods as fragrances drifted with
the wind, the tastes of Malaysia as stopped and enjoyed lunch, watched the many
cultures wander past, sounds of people talking in an array of languages, the
beauty of colours, the graffiti, the buildings – the height and reflection of
the sun as the colours radiate around me. There was so much beauty; only to be
missed by so many others, who are too busy to notice the little things. My
senses were going wild taking in all of the new, all that was around me, the
excitement building as I realised I had only just begun to explore Melbourne.
Next I strolled around Flagstaff Gardens, enjoying the
silence of nature, watching the tall, strong ancient wisdom of the trees, as
the assortment of coloured leaves -yellow, orange, brown and red lay on the ground,
the dog running around its owner, the coolness of the breeze as it blew through
my hair and on my face, crisp and fresh. Taking those deep breathes, breathing
in the new air and releasing the old stale burdens of the week. Refreshing,
renewing and giving me the strength I needed to be me. Grounding,
strengthening, was connecting me back to what I know – the universal energy of
As I made my way back towards the train station I noticed
The Hellenic Museum (formerly known as the Royal Mint Building) was open with
its latest exhibit from the Benaki Museum, Athens, this included the following
Sam Jinks – the Messenger ( an amazing sculpture
inspired by the Greek Goddess Iris)
Omeirio (photographic collection inspiring discussion, it captures
the way in which our history, culture and art shape the way in which we view
Beyond Attica: Art of Magna Graecia (a
collection of vases from Athenian – a rich collection of pottery techniques and
styles of decoration used in Ancient Greek)
Gods, Myths & Mortals (Greek Treasures
across the Millennia, celebrating the continuity and transformation which
shaped the Greek World)
Cast Ancient Greek Statues (Classical Cast
Replicas of Aphrodite, Zeus , Hermes and infant Dionysos)
Cypriot Pottery (of the bronze and iron ages)
Each exhibit in itself was amazing, giving you a picture of
what it would have been like, the quality of each piece telling its own story.
I found the Messenger spoke to me the most – there was just something about the
reflection of the piece that sent shivers through my body, reminding me that I
am being looked after no matter where I go or what I am doing – and that our
very own reflection is what we see in other people, those ones that trigger
certain things within you.
Inspiration would be the word I’d choose to expression my day, as a peace settles over me on my journey back home. Where will my exploring take me next?
It seems you have to be careful who you talk to these days….
When I started doing volunteer work in February I spoke to everyone there,
whether employed, volunteered or the clients that walked through the door… I
was friendly to everyone. I didn’t treat anyone any different to the other.
Unfortunately one man in particular took my friendliness as a
doorway to a make believe relationship. He would turn up at my job, make
comments to other employees, that he’d had his fix for the day… meaning he had
either seen or spoken with me. Things got a little weird as the months went on…
he always seemed to know where I was at any given day.
So moving to Victoria… two states away, I thought that it
was the last I’d heard from him. Sad to say it wasn’t, he’s been harassing my
family and friends, he seems to have escalated… asking anyone and everyone I
know about me, how to contact me, wanting them to pass on messages; even
sending flowers to a government department hoping to locate me.
So the warning bells are ringing extremely loud at the
moment, as I do not know what he’ll do next. My family and friends are all
aware of the situation and are taking precautions, blocking him on Facebook as
he tries to add them as friends, refusing to give any details or information
I’m hoping that he will move on with his own life and leave
me to mine, I wish him all the best and hope that he finds that someone special
to share the rest of his life with.
A week later…….
Well hopeful thinking hasn’t worked to my advantage: it doesn’t look like he’s moving on anytime soon as he has now informed his current workplace that he has a job in Melbourne and will be moving shortly. I think I turned white when reading the message from a friend, informing me of this current change. And the fear sank into the depths of my bones, not sure as to what to do or how to proceed with this situation, so I am reaching out to the local police station this weekend for some advice and praying to all of the Gods available that this guy will just go away. Letting me live my life in peace!
Over the last 4 weeks I have
lived in 5 different locations: Kooralbyn, Jimboomba, Hoppers Crossing, Pascoe
Vale and my current location (which I am unable to reveal for my own safety
(which I will talk about in another blog)). Every time I have moved I have
released numerous things from material, emotional and physical. I moved to
Victoria with whatever I could fit into the back of the car I hired, everything
else was given away.
I had a great chat to a Yoga teacher today, she helped me realize the enormity of the choices that I have made over the last month and the courage and strength it took to be able to achieve this one goal. The release of doing just that was huge; the implications now only coming to the surface…. The reality of what I did, BIG, hence the emotional outbursts that come forth within me as I’m beginning to understand what is happening around me.
I want to scream, rant and rave,
let out the aggression, anger that is building up within me. Here is my
inspiring talk to myself –“WTF are you doing? Find your centre, find your
strength, find your balance, find YOU… I can do this; I’ve got this… do what
you came down here to do? Which is? I’m not even sure, anymore. Stop allowing
outside things to influence you, stop listening to the people around you, they
are just trying to get into your head to distract, to get their own way, to
bully and manipulate you. Why didn’t I see that sooner? Because you were trying
to please those around you, keep everyone happy, keep the peace. Oh… I love
my self-talks, they are so inspiring.
While we’re at this finger
pointing – I’m annoyed with myself for not taking better care of me.
I’m in a strange city, unfamiliar, so many different cultures, suburban, ethical backgrounds; I’m lost in a sea of uncharted territory, allowing the emotional tides to come and go as they renew the sand on the shores. It sounds so poetic.
Rain, rain; go away come again
another day – Victoria can be miserable with the weather constantly cold and
wet, the sun attempts to creep out from behind the clouds only to be overrun by
darker, bigger clouds – bursting, overflowing, emotion waiting to explode down
on the world below. The darkness held within, taking the negative from the
people below-releasing a cleansing on the earth to renew and refresh the ground
in which we all walk. A icy cold breeze – creeping into the depth of your bones
– coldness from the inside out. Trying to keep warm, wrapped in scarves,
gloves, beanies and layers of clothing. Warmth… coldness….. Balance of the
energies within to bring harmony back into your life.
Creating the life I want,
creating my very own masterpiece within me, bringing about my hearts desires in
my grounding, balance, peace……piecing together the right words to express what I’m
feeling is not working… just words on a screen, not making much sense at the
moment. Write and rewrite… delete and write some more, copy and paste.
Wanting to scream… it’s loud on the inside… but nothing is being heard
from beyond my mind… no one can hear my screams, except for me. Screaming for
the release of my soul, to find my new freedom, not taking on the crap around
me or allowing my old ways to fall back into a comfort zone off what once was,
what my body has always known and expected from the world, but allowing only
the new to remain without taking back the old. Keeping the freedom within me
and not allowing the pressures of my new environment to take heed of……… Not
allowing the negative and the heaviness of the new job to create a wedge
between my new reality, my new experiences and my new world of discovery. My need
for a Spiritual connection with like-minded people– my familiar, my soul, my family,
the core of my life.
Forgetting to live in the moment,
in the now – worry, concern creeps in about mundane things, have I slipped back
into the way of things, allowed the scared little girl to come out , the one
that doesn’t trust or believe that something great is happening, the old belief
of not being good enough….
It’s been just over two weeks and Victoria has not been that kind to me weather wise, the sun slips out from behind those clouds for the shortest of moments, teasing, reminding me of what I left behind, challenging me, giving me the choose, tempting me…… to give up and move back to Queensland; the Sunshine State. Oh… How I miss the Sunshine!
I’m emotional; it seems all the
time, I can be walking to the bus crying, moving between activities with tears
in my eyes – as I’m missing all things that were once familiar to me, location
(Sunny Coast, the beaches, the hinterland) (even now as I write this, there are
tears running down my face)friends, job, and even my customers. I’m frustrated
to say the least, lost and scared of failing, fearful that I have made the
wrong choice. Tired – locking myself away on my days off; isolating myself
which I tend to do very well.
So many people are just waiting
for me to fail, wanting to see me give up and admit that I made the wrong
choice. Disheartened – putting expectations on anything, will do that too you. Living
in the moment prevents this… which is hard when all of your focus is on what’s
Am I feeling sorry for myself –
absolutely? Focusing on what I don’t have
or am missing is the focus of this week – the process of moving forward –
challenging. Death of my past… grieving for my loss, finding, discovering who I
am without it and I don’t think I’m doing such a great job of that (or maybe
I’m just being too hard on myself as I often am).
My job – it’s still undecided whether I actually enjoy it or not, you see the people I work with are waiting for me to fail, to give up, telling me that I won’t be here for long; as I’m the wrong type (whatever that is supposed to mean, I’m not sure) I’m struggling just to find my feet in this position, my voice…my confidence, my belief in myself. It feels like so much is stacked up against me. A big part of me is ready to give up. Tears just keep on coming; I want something familiar around me. I have some of my belongings, mostly still packed as I don’t have the space to put it.
And to top it all off…..one of my work colleagues decided he’d go for it and give me a kiss (not just once kept coming back for more)- WTF! Like I’m not confused enough and have all of the other shit floating around in my crazy thoughts and now this…. It’s one of those moments of screaming from deep within where no one but you knows that you are screaming; closed off to feeling anything other than the craziness of my mind.
Life is funny at times… the little things that you seem to miss from day to day. The sunshine for one, the familiar faces of customers coming and going, family and friends (even the ones that irritate that something deep within you), the wild life and mother nature’s beauty of rolling mountains and the tall shadows of the trees. All of those things that you take for granted….. I miss them all. Life is different here in Victoria (well…the suburb I’m currently in). There is very little nature (I’m no longer in the country), only concrete and brick buildings, the homes squashed and packed like sardines. The weather is cold and miserable, the colours so dark and dreary – black, grey, brown. Where is the colour to brighten up those hard days of torment that you see on people’s faces?
The lack of smiles, expression, joy and happiness as you pass them in the street. It’s so miserable, people don’t want to look you in the eyes, make contact… Why is that? Is it, fear of someone seeing the truth within, have they just given up on having or being something more or has society created an attitude of conformity – where everyone just follows the one in front, not questioning the outcome.
Yesterday I saw two homeless
people – one guy he was just sitting there outside of Coles with no expression
on his face; a numbness of despair, he was holding up a $10 note, just staring
at it, it’s like he didn’t know what to do with it, not believing that someone
gave him money – he was disengaged, deserted his body – the soul and spirit had
already left (hope gone). And then at the train station this older women, her
cheeks were red from the cold air, with no shoes wandering around
disorientated, devoid, a lack of hope within her eyes, she seemed to have abandoned
and resolved to the fact that this was her life, it wasn’t getting any better.
Heartbreaking to see, everyone just walking on by, not even noticing – like neither of them even existed. People blind by choice, not wanting to see, not wanting to acknowledge that this is what our society has created. Homelessness!!
“You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say you did not know”
The public seems to have their
own perception of homelessness, as being an older man or women with a drinking
or drug problem who sleeps in an inner-city park or street. However, it’s more
than just that. Homelessness can affect men, women, and children from a wide
range of backgrounds. It is often masked by the fact that people experiencing
homeless move from one temporary solution to another, making do until they can
find permanent accommodation.
The hidden homeless as they call
it – move between the homes of family members or friends, stay in refuges,
boarding houses, motels, caravans and even cars. Uncertainty can take an
enormous toll on a person’s self-worth.
If you would like to know more about homelessness and how you can help please click on one of the links below: