Time to Stand in my Power (the journey to get there)

Here is a blog I started last week as I was going through the emotions of events happening around me:

We pretend (a line out of one of Pinks songs); Well I know that’s exactly as I’m living my life at the moment, pretending. Pretending – that I’m not falling apart from the inside out, as I allow the behaviour of one very misguided man dictate how I choose to live my life. My body is constantly in fight or flight mode. I’m not sleeping and when I do the nightmares slip in……that he finds me, he knows where I am, I can feel his eyes watching my every movement, looking over my shoulder, not knowing where or when he will appear right in front of me.

I’m allowing this man to control my life and he’s still in bloody Queensland…. I need to take back my power and live, not to live in fear. Fear feeds his energy in my life and I do not want that. I have travelled too far in my life’s journey to allow this arseholes energy to take over my life. WTF am I doing?

I know how to do this! TAKE BACK YOUR CONTROL GIRL… BE THAT WARRIOR GODDESS who does not need to look over her shoulder, who lives that life she’s always wanted, who allows fear to slip on by – not even leaving a mark on her armour. Find your inner strength again sweetheart …. “FOR YOU HAVE GOT THIS!” Do not feed the negative energy!  Do not own it! Do not allow someone else’s actions to control your reactions. STAND TALL AND STRONG…… AND LIVE!  Live in the power of strength, bring that strength up from your core, breathe in love, take your power from the nature around you, draw on mother earth’s energy, meditate and find your inner strength. YOU HAVE GOT THIS!

Do not blame him or yourself for these actions but focus on the healing, forgiving his sorry freaking arse! I’m angry at myself for allowing him to take up too much time in my mind, angry at him for the behaviour. I feel empathic towards him and sadness …. There is a feeling of hopelessness around him, someone who has been let down again and again losing all sense of reality around him. The need to create a relationship that is not real, only it’s very real to him, in desperation of wanting to be loved, to love and the lines of reality were crossed, no longer able to see the truth as it’s blurred beyond this world’s reality (these are my own feelings and viewpoints concerning him, his truth may be very different).

So I am going to go out there today and live my life, finish today’s training and be strong for it, not giving this man a thought (as tears run down my face, not quite believing that I am able to accomplish this – to push the fear aside and just be. It may take a few more days to reach that thought process).

I’m glad to say that my day was fantastic as the training involved defensive moves and first aid; I left feeling empowered, I felt like – the real me; probably for the first time since starting my new job. It was awesome, invigorating and strengthening to my inner self.

We are now at the end of the week and my emotions have been up and down, a fabulous roller coaster ride it has been as I’ve worked through each of these. I’ve started holistic work again (a new segment created at work to allow me to work with what I know); it was absolutely amazing to be doing what I love and know; the connection with spirit as I worked with others. It brought joy back into my life. And there is now an interim order in place for the other issue. The relief I felt as the judge agreed that an order needed to be in place. That breath that I hadn’t been aware that I was holding – released……oooohhhhh

I will continue on this journey of STANDING IN MY POWER, some days may have challenges and diversions, but I will continue to grow, heal and release the old to strength my inner core, my inner goddess to one day – to be able to Stand in My Power without waiving or taking on anybody else’s crap.

I Chose ME

Last weekend…… I chose ME!

I chose to not answer my phone, read any text messages or listen to the voices in my head.

Instead I chose to write two blogs (where I realised that I had been allowing someone I had recently met dictate my behaviour and how I saw myself), meditated and did some exploring around Melbourne.

Now let’s dissect that last sentence:

The two blogs:

Before writing them I had been left feeling confused, unsure as to what I was doing, and I started to believe that maybe, just maybe I did need a man around me in my life, to have that someone who wanted to look after me, to want to help me. I know he had only good intentions at heart when he said; ’he only wanted to look after me’. However the implications for ………MYSELF were momentous. I returned back to being that sacred little girl, who feared life in general, who always wanted someone to look after her, only to be left disappointed and heartbroken every time. I struggled with this inner conflict of what once was and who I wanted and choose to become – each contradicted the other, hence the turmoil within my heart. I became; this women that no longer believed in the choices she had recently made, her self-confidence began to wavier, her thoughts turning to the negative, she was once again that little girl who cried out for touch, for love, for connection. I didn’t like who I was when with this beautiful soul – that little girl who couldn’t help herself. His actions triggered a negative pattern/ behaviour within me, closing myself off to the outside world, hiding in a corner as I did as a child, protecting myself from the world that I only saw as dangerous and something to fear.

At that moment of realisation, I chose ME! I had moved to Melbourne for me, so I could discover who I wanted to be, (not to fall back into old habits) who did I choose to be! And the only way I know how to do this – is to be on my own, sharing moments with new friends, experiencing and exploring Melbourne. Everything about Melbourne screams at me to find all of those hidden unique locations, those places that leave a special memory, that touch your heart, to allow your own inner freedom to expand to overflowing where your put your total trust in the universe. Freedom! The excitement of discovering what you like, of experiencing that something new, and being able to just take your time to discover the new …….YOU!

Allowing myself to be vulnerable in those moments is part of the excitement. Finding what makes my own  Inner Child happy,  to bring out the playfulness, the childlike qualities, seeing the eyes open wide, the smile on her face and the excitement play forth as she jumps up and down with glee, with wonder. As everything is new and fresh, yet to be discovered or experienced. Empowering myself to be in the now – the very moment of experiencing every second and every connection with the world around me; using all of my senses to get the full experience of each delicious moment. Closing your eyes and allowing your senses to take over to the sounds, tastes, smells, sensations and sights.

Exploring Melbourne:

I did exactly that as I took myself to West Melbourne for the day. I started at Queen Victoria Markets where I enjoyed the sounds of music…street music. The aromas of different foods as fragrances drifted with the wind, the tastes of Malaysia as stopped and enjoyed lunch, watched the many cultures wander past, sounds of people talking in an array of languages, the beauty of colours, the graffiti, the buildings – the height and reflection of the sun as the colours radiate around me. There was so much beauty; only to be missed by so many others, who are too busy to notice the little things. My senses were going wild taking in all of the new, all that was around me, the excitement building as I realised I had only just begun to explore Melbourne.

Next I strolled around Flagstaff Gardens, enjoying the silence of nature, watching the tall, strong ancient wisdom of the trees, as the assortment of coloured leaves -yellow, orange, brown and red lay on the ground, the dog running around its owner, the coolness of the breeze as it blew through my hair and on my face, crisp and fresh. Taking those deep breathes, breathing in the new air and releasing the old stale burdens of the week. Refreshing, renewing and giving me the strength I needed to be me. Grounding, strengthening, was connecting me back to what I know – the universal energy of love.

As I made my way back towards the train station I noticed The Hellenic Museum (formerly known as the Royal Mint Building) was open with its latest exhibit from the Benaki Museum, Athens, this included the following exhibits:

  • Sam Jinks – the Messenger ( an amazing sculpture inspired by the Greek Goddess Iris)
  • Omeirio (photographic  collection inspiring discussion, it captures the way in which our history, culture and art shape the way in which we view ourselves)
  • Beyond Attica: Art of Magna Graecia (a collection of vases from Athenian – a rich collection of pottery techniques and styles of decoration used in Ancient Greek)
  • Gods, Myths & Mortals (Greek Treasures across the Millennia, celebrating the continuity and transformation which shaped the Greek World)
  • Cast Ancient Greek Statues (Classical Cast Replicas of Aphrodite, Zeus , Hermes and infant Dionysos)
  • Cypriot Pottery (of the bronze and iron ages)

Each exhibit in itself was amazing, giving you a picture of what it would have been like, the quality of each piece telling its own story. I found the Messenger spoke to me the most – there was just something about the reflection of the piece that sent shivers through my body, reminding me that I am being looked after no matter where I go or what I am doing – and that our very own reflection is what we see in other people, those ones that trigger certain things within you.

Inspiration would be the word I’d choose to expression my day, as a peace settles over me on my journey back home. Where will my exploring take me next?

Being Stalked

It seems you have to be careful who you talk to these days…. When I started doing volunteer work in February I spoke to everyone there, whether employed, volunteered or the clients that walked through the door… I was friendly to everyone. I didn’t treat anyone any different to the other.

Unfortunately one man in particular took my friendliness as a doorway to a make believe relationship. He would turn up at my job, make comments to other employees, that he’d had his fix for the day… meaning he had either seen or spoken with me. Things got a little weird as the months went on… he always seemed to know where I was at any given day.

So moving to Victoria… two states away, I thought that it was the last I’d heard from him. Sad to say it wasn’t, he’s been harassing my family and friends, he seems to have escalated… asking anyone and everyone I know about me, how to contact me, wanting them to pass on messages; even sending flowers to a government department hoping to locate me.

So the warning bells are ringing extremely loud at the moment, as I do not know what he’ll do next. My family and friends are all aware of the situation and are taking precautions, blocking him on Facebook as he tries to add them as friends, refusing to give any details or information about me.

I’m hoping that he will move on with his own life and leave me to mine, I wish him all the best and hope that he finds that someone special to share the rest of his life with.

A week later…….

Well hopeful thinking hasn’t worked to my advantage: it doesn’t look like he’s moving on anytime soon as he has now informed his current workplace that he has a job in Melbourne and will be moving shortly. I think I turned white when reading the message from a friend, informing me of this current change. And the fear sank into the depths of my bones, not sure as to what to do or how to proceed with this situation, so I am reaching out to the local police station this weekend for some advice and praying to all of the Gods available that this guy will just go away. Letting me live my life in peace!

Uncharted Territory

Over the last 4 weeks I have lived in 5 different locations: Kooralbyn, Jimboomba, Hoppers Crossing, Pascoe Vale and my current location (which I am unable to reveal for my own safety (which I will talk about in another blog)). Every time I have moved I have released numerous things from material, emotional and physical. I moved to Victoria with whatever I could fit into the back of the car I hired, everything else was given away.

I had a great chat to a Yoga teacher today, she helped me realize the enormity of the choices that I have made over the last month and the courage and strength it took to be able to achieve this one goal. The release of doing just that was huge; the implications now only coming to the surface…. The reality of what I did, BIG, hence the emotional outbursts that come forth within me as I’m beginning to understand what is happening around me.

I want to scream, rant and rave, let out the aggression, anger that is building up within me. Here is my inspiring talk to myself –“WTF are you doing? Find your centre, find your strength, find your balance, find YOU… I can do this; I’ve got this… do what you came down here to do? Which is? I’m not even sure, anymore. Stop allowing outside things to influence you, stop listening to the people around you, they are just trying to get into your head to distract, to get their own way, to bully and manipulate you. Why didn’t I see that sooner? Because you were trying to please those around you, keep everyone happy, keep the peace. Oh… I love my self-talks, they are so inspiring.

While we’re at this finger pointing – I’m annoyed with myself for not taking better care of me.

I’m in a strange city, unfamiliar, so many different cultures, suburban, ethical backgrounds; I’m lost in a sea of uncharted territory, allowing the emotional tides to come and go as they renew the sand on the shores. It sounds so poetic.

Rain, rain; go away come again another day – Victoria can be miserable with the weather constantly cold and wet, the sun attempts to creep out from behind the clouds only to be overrun by darker, bigger clouds – bursting, overflowing, emotion waiting to explode down on the world below. The darkness held within, taking the negative from the people below-releasing a cleansing on the earth to renew and refresh the ground in which we all walk. A icy cold breeze – creeping into the depth of your bones – coldness from the inside out. Trying to keep warm, wrapped in scarves, gloves, beanies and layers of clothing. Warmth… coldness….. Balance of the energies within to bring harmony back into your life.

Creating the life I want, creating my very own masterpiece within me, bringing about my hearts desires in my grounding, balance, peace……piecing together the right words to express what I’m feeling is not working… just words on a screen, not making much sense at the moment. Write and rewrite… delete and write some more, copy and paste.

Wanting to scream… it’s loud on the inside… but nothing is being heard from beyond my mind… no one can hear my screams, except for me. Screaming for the release of my soul, to find my new freedom, not taking on the crap around me or allowing my old ways to fall back into a comfort zone off what once was, what my body has always known and expected from the world, but allowing only the new to remain without taking back the old. Keeping the freedom within me and not allowing the pressures of my new environment to take heed of……… Not allowing the negative and the heaviness of the new job to create a wedge between my new reality, my new experiences and my new world of discovery. My need for a Spiritual connection with like-minded people– my familiar, my soul, my family, the core of my life.

Forgetting to live in the moment, in the now – worry, concern creeps in about mundane things, have I slipped back into the way of things, allowed the scared little girl to come out , the one that doesn’t trust or believe that something great is happening, the old belief of not being good enough….

The Teasing Sun

It’s been just over two weeks and Victoria has not been that kind to me weather wise, the sun slips out from behind those clouds for the shortest of moments, teasing, reminding me of what I left behind, challenging me, giving me the choose, tempting me…… to give up and move back to Queensland; the Sunshine State. Oh… How I miss the Sunshine!

I’m emotional; it seems all the time, I can be walking to the bus crying, moving between activities with tears in my eyes – as I’m missing all things that were once familiar to me, location (Sunny Coast, the beaches, the hinterland) (even now as I write this, there are tears running down my face)friends, job, and even my customers. I’m frustrated to say the least, lost and scared of failing, fearful that I have made the wrong choice. Tired – locking myself away on my days off; isolating myself which I tend to do very well.

So many people are just waiting for me to fail, wanting to see me give up and admit that I made the wrong choice. Disheartened – putting expectations on anything, will do that too you. Living in the moment prevents this… which is hard when all of your focus is on what’s not happening.

Am I feeling sorry for myself – absolutely?  Focusing on what I don’t have or am missing is the focus of this week – the process of moving forward – challenging. Death of my past… grieving for my loss, finding, discovering who I am without it and I don’t think I’m doing such a great job of that (or maybe I’m just being too hard on myself as I often am).

My job – it’s still undecided whether I actually enjoy it or not, you see the people I work with are waiting for me to fail, to give up, telling me that I won’t be here for long; as I’m the wrong type (whatever that is supposed to mean, I’m not sure) I’m struggling just to find my feet in this position, my voice…my confidence, my belief in myself. It feels like so much is stacked up against me. A big part of me is ready to give up. Tears just keep on coming; I want something familiar around me. I have some of my belongings, mostly still packed as I don’t have the space to put it.

And to top it all off…..one of my work colleagues decided he’d go for it and give me a kiss (not just once kept coming back for more)- WTF! Like I’m not confused enough and have all of the other shit floating around in my crazy thoughts and now this…. It’s one of those moments of screaming from deep within where no one but you knows that you are screaming; closed off to feeling anything other than the craziness of my mind.

Perceptions

Life is funny at times… the little things that you seem to miss from day to day. The sunshine for one, the familiar faces of customers coming and going, family and friends (even the ones that irritate that something deep within you), the wild life and mother nature’s beauty of rolling mountains and the tall shadows of the trees. All of those things that you take for granted….. I miss them all. Life is different here in Victoria (well…the suburb I’m currently in). There is very little nature (I’m no longer in the country), only concrete and brick buildings, the homes squashed and packed like sardines. The weather is cold and miserable, the colours so dark and dreary – black, grey, brown. Where is the colour to brighten up those hard days of torment that you see on people’s faces?

The lack of smiles, expression, joy and happiness as you pass them in the street. It’s so miserable, people don’t want to look you in the eyes, make contact… Why is that? Is it, fear of someone seeing the truth within, have they just given up on having or being something more or has society created an attitude of conformity – where everyone just follows the one in front, not questioning the outcome.

Yesterday I saw two homeless people – one guy he was just sitting there outside of Coles with no expression on his face; a numbness of despair, he was holding up a $10 note, just staring at it, it’s like he didn’t know what to do with it, not believing that someone gave him money – he was disengaged, deserted his body – the soul and spirit had already left (hope gone). And then at the train station this older women, her cheeks were red from the cold air, with no shoes wandering around disorientated, devoid, a lack of hope within her eyes, she seemed to have abandoned and resolved to the fact that this was her life, it wasn’t getting any better.

Heartbreaking to see, everyone just walking on by, not even noticing – like neither of them even existed. People blind by choice, not wanting to see, not wanting to acknowledge that this is what our society has created. Homelessness!!

 “You may choose to look the other way, but you can never say you did not know”

William Wilberforce

The public seems to have their own perception of homelessness, as being an older man or women with a drinking or drug problem who sleeps in an inner-city park or street. However, it’s more than just that. Homelessness can affect men, women, and children from a wide range of backgrounds. It is often masked by the fact that people experiencing homeless move from one temporary solution to another, making do until they can find permanent accommodation.

The hidden homeless as they call it – move between the homes of family members or friends, stay in refuges, boarding houses, motels, caravans and even cars. Uncertainty can take an enormous toll on a person’s self-worth.

If you would like to know more about homelessness and how you can help please click on one of the links below:

https://vincentcare.org.au/?services=about-homelessnessunder-housing-and-homeless

https://www.homelessnessaustralia.org.au/about/homelessness-statistics.

https://www.melbourne.vic.gov.au/community/health-support-services/social-support/Pages/help-homeless.aspx

Day 6 – Junee To Melbourne

My last day of traveling from Queensland…. And what a journey it has been; of discovery, trying new things, meeting new people, catching up with old friends, learning more about Australia’s history and enjoying the solitude of just being with me.

Today I stopped at Albury for brunch at a little café, near the train station, wonderful food, everything organic, fantastic service. I would recommend this to anyone passing on through.

I didn’t have too many stops today as:

  1. The weather was crappy… rain, hail and shine. Wouldn’t be able to enjoy the scenery or the exploring
  2. I was over it all – especially the car, continuously slipping out of gear, extremely frustrating. I couldn’t stand driving it anymore.
  3. Tired, so tired…. Rest, sleep is what I need

Stopping every 1/2hour to pee was getting a little crazy; apparently it’s all part of the change of weather, my body adapting. So much joy in that! There were metal seats – ooh not so friendly for the backside, icy cold. Then the plastic seats, they weren’t as bad – ooh and how can I forget the natural whatever they are called, where there’s basically a hole in the ground – the deep dark abyss of the unknown lurks beneath you as you go about your business. How can that be right?

One of my favorite memories was pulling over on the side of the road, trying to find a tree to pee behind, while it was pissing down with rain – hoping no one stops to check on me (which of course they did). Jumping from one foot to the other, hoping I didn’t pee my pants right there, wishing they would hurry up and leave. And the relief once they did……

Catching up with another primary school friend as I arrived in Melbourne was entertaining to say the least. All in good fun… discussing my love life with one particular male was humorous in all its form- the craziness of one’s mind and the lack of remorse, being screwed up as it comes or should I say screwed about, as he screwed plenty of women around in that short span of six months. Leaving a bitter taste in my mouth and him behind in so many ways. Sadness washes over me as I see him as nothing more than a lost child, not willing to heal his past, just sweep the hurt and unresolved issues under the rug, as many people do, as I did for many years.

Finally, I arrived in Hoppers Crossing at my Uncles place – a warm welcome as always. Love these two dearly. Car due back today, only they won’t get it until tomorrow as it’s getting late and I don’t chose to fight the crazy traffic in Melbourne.